The Next Chapter

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 12

2011-11-12T17:20:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

a coffee date with a sweet friend in the morning (I don't leave the house much these days, so this was a real treat for me)
wandering a local craft bazaar with the same friend and seeing a couple dozen ladies I know (including almost every vendor at the bazaar!). These are the ladies who have prayed me through the past few months and it was so good to see so many of them
making it home before I turned into a pumpkin. A few hours is all my body can do these days, and the rest of the day was a little ugly for me. I'm glad my body didn't betray me in public, though!
my sweet daughter, Rachel, who made up a batch of gluten-free flour for me, and then used it to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies for the family
an afternoon in my pajamas watching movies with my family
a husband who put a roast in the crockpot for dinner so the kids were fed and I didn't have to lift a finger

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 11

2011-11-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

our family pictures (which just came in today!!)
the ability of our photographer to make our family look good (and to make a certain stubborn 4-yr-old look cooperative- which she was for the whole family pics but not the kid pics)
the fact that I look healthier on the outside than I am on the inside (which my doctor says should be a crime, but it is most helpful for family portraits and avoiding unwanted pity in public)
the veteran's who have served our country, past and present

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 10

2011-11-10T16:49:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

my older children's willingness and ability to keep the little one safely occupied while I take a much-needed nap
soup
hot tea with honey
Netflix
Christmas shopping that is mostly finished (thanks mostly to my husband and mother-in-law)

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 9

2011-11-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

my parents and their willingness to spend time with my children
watching my mom spend the afternoon baking with my eldest daughter
gluten-free apple cake made with love by my mom and daughter
homemade rolls from the same duo, which combined with soup for a simple supper for my gang
having a chance to sit down and talk to my dad... and the fact that he was much more talkative than usual

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 8

2011-11-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

piles and piles of leaves and the joy my kids get from jumping in them.
the elective classes that my two older kids are taking at public school. They love the classes, they are enjoying the time with friends (old and new), and I enjoy having time to work one-on-one with the other while each is away at school. Math has been much more productive this year with the alone-time help from mom.
laundry that has been caught up since we've been back in the house. I got in the habit of washing a load per day while we were living in the hotel, and have continued to do it since returning home. What a difference it makes. I have actually gotten rid of most of my clothes hampers and laundry baskets!

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 7

2011-11-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

a warm, safe home
snuggly blankets
anti-nausea meds that work (even if they do knock me out)
a friend who provided a good home to the kids' two little roosters who were crowing at 4am... and for the resulting peace and quiet

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 6

2011-11-06T16:26:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

a husband who takes care of me when I don't feel well
a husband who takes care of our family, even the things that are traditionally "mom's job", and never once complains or grumbles for me to get up and help
a husband who can tell how I feel just by looking at me, and always knows what I need whether it is a nap, a cup of tea, or a hot bath... and is always willing to stop what he's doing to provide it

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 5

2011-11-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

This has been a week of unexpected and unbelievable blessings. As Todd and I are working through our new financial picture and trying to figure out how to make everything work (especially health insurance, which we don't dare go without), we have been touched by several tangible reminders that our God loves us, cares for us, and will provide for us. I won't kid you... this faith thing is hard sometimes. But here are some of the ways we've been touched this week, for which I am more grateful than I can put into words:

my new laptop from my brother (which I already posted about, but which I am still in complete shock over. It wasn't a neccessity, but it is still such a blessing to have!)
a new microwave from my in-laws (ours blew up a while back and we had decided that we could live without one. I almost never use it, and Todd mostly uses it to reheat things and make popcorn. Still, it was such a kind gesture, and Todd and the kids are happy to have it.)
an overflowing pantry and stuffed freezer, complements of my husband's uncle. He asked us to make a list for Costco, then proceeded to include much, much more. He said he wanted to make sure we were set for winter... and we are.
meals and groceries provided by my mother
a grocery store gift card from my brother (he receives them occassionally at work as a bonus/ incentive type thing, and they are for a store near our home that he doesn't shop at but he knows we do)

This all happened in just one week... one week when we were searching for reassurance that this will all work out and received that reassurance in spades. Coincidence? I think not. God is good, and I think it's safe to say that this insurance thing will work out somehow, too. I don't see how it possibly can, but with God, all things are possible.

Wishing you all much to be thankful for,
Dawna

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 4

2011-11-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today it's all about the home. I spent 17 consecutive days in the hospital this summer (plus three more later on), and I can tell you that having a comfortable home to come back to is a great feeling. Yes, it's the people in the home that really make it worthwhile, but there is also something sweet about coming back to a favorite chair, a comfortable bed, and things that are familiar.

I fought an infection the first five weeks after I came home, then spent ten days on very strong double antibiotics that made me very, very sick. Around mid-August, I finally started feeling human. A few days after that, a pipe burst in our main bathroom and flooded a good portion of our house. We heard a lot of "gee, we're so sorry for you" and "why you, why now?",and "oh no, that's terrible". But I'll let you in on a secret... it turned out to be a blessing. We were forced to step up the timetable on some remodeling that really needed to be done, and since my husband did a lot of the work (with help from my amazing brothers) we were able to do some upgrades that wouldn't have been feasible otherwise. Our insurance company was very good to us and put us up in a hotel for a month and a half. The kids mostly enjoyed the adventure, and though it was an inconvenience, it all worked out. We moved back into our newly-renovated home the day before I had to go back to Portland for my third surgery of the summer, and I had a beautiful, clean, peaceful home to recuperate in when it was over.

Before, my bedroom was just a bedroom. Now, it is a restful sanctuary. We were able to splurge on a new bedding set when our room was finished, and it makes me smile every day. We also chose to get rid of one dresser and add an antique chair that we found at a local antique store on sale. The frugal side of me cringed at purchasing something that wasn't a neccessity (even though it really wasn't that expensive), but I'm glad my husband bought it anyway. That chair, with it's tapestry seat that matches our bedding set so well and it's ornately scrolled back, makes me smile every day, too. Over the bed we have a set of hanging votive holders that we found at a yardsale a few years back, and above the headboard is the saying "Holding you, I hold everything.".

I could ramble for hours about our new bathroom with it's extra-deep soaking tub and our refinished hardwood floors, but instead I think I'll get to today's thankful list.

Today I am thankful for:

home owner's insurance that took care of us when we needed it too
newly refinished hardwood floors throughout our bedroom, hall, living, and dining rooms. Before, I was embarrassed when people came over because our floors looked dirty even when they were not. Now they gleam, and the whole house looks lighter and brighter. Refinishing them wasn't in the budget, but now it has been taken care of. Even in the details, God takes care of us!
my bedroom, that my husband took extra care to make beautiful so I have a place to relax and recuperate

my new bedding set that feels so luxurious and makes me think I'm on vacation
the cedar chest at the foot of my bed that my grandparents brought with them when they moved here from Missouri in 1944. It had belonged to my Granny's mother. My husband rescued it from my grandparent's garage after Granny died and is refurbishing it for me.
the quilt on that cedar chest, which was made by the same great-grandmother (she passed away in 1923)
the antique chair that sits next to the bed. It's a good place to sit and read and dream or to rest when I'm getting ready in the morning. (Yes, I'm that weak that I need breaks so often, but I'm slowly rebuilding my strength.)
the little touches around my room, each meaningful in some way and chosen with care. I can't tell you how freeing it was to rid my room of clutter and things I didn't love.

my kitchen- tiny but efficient We joke about it being a one-bottom kitchen (if two or more people are in there we bump into each other... a lot), but for as tiny as it is, it really is designed efficiently.
our new bathroom, all clean and shiny and bright
our extra-deep soaking tub, and the baths that my thoughtful husband draws for me in it
our new kitchen and dining room lights that we found on clearance... then had the department manager offer to lower the price even further
wall art that belonged to my husband's grandparents and fits perfectly in our home
the picture that my husband's grandparents had that my husband wanted but didn't get... and we found the same one at a yardsale this fall for next to nothing
my sewing and crafting corner in our family room/office
my kids, who fill this house with noisy, rambunctious love
my husband, who works so hard to keep our home in good shape and to make it a place where we can enjoy hanging out. My husband shows me he loves me everyday by little and big acts... building shelves in my laundry room, organizing the pantry, refinishing my Granny's cedar chest. He makes our house a home.
the fact that we resisted the urge to upgrade to a bigger home. Now that things are tightening financially, we have a mortgage payment that we can still handle. I am thankful every day for that.

I am a blessed lady, indeed, to have such a cozy home.

Wishing you all much to be thankful for,
Dawna

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 3

2011-11-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rough day. I haven't felt well all week (ok, I haven't felt well in about five years, but especially this week) and today was especially yuck. Over the summer as I was recovering from surgeries #9 and #10, I found that it was getting easy to get lost in the pain. I wasn't neccessarily whining or feeling sorry for myself, I just found that I had lost my perspective of joy. I had to make a conscious choice to find joy, and I learned that when times are toughest it is most important to be grateful for what you do have.

With that in mind, today I am grateful for:

my new laptop which will allow me to do computer stuff while resting (an unexpected and very generous gift from my brother)
our own little flock of backyard chickens who entertain us with their antics and provide us with fresh, beautiful brown-shelled eggs every day
our new kitten, Sir Diesel von Boo Kitty, who has the loudest purr I've ever heard and who is a big-time snuggler
my favorite tea mug and the way it fits in my hand and warms up my whole body
peaceful moments during homeschooling where everyone is working hard and cooperating
weekly meal planning that takes away so much stress because everyone knows what's for dinner and everything we need is ready to go ahead of time. Doing this consistently is a lifesaver and money saver!
health insurance (thankful for this while we have it, still praying about how we're going to manage when we don't)
my feather duster, because it is a tool that helps the kids enjoy pitching in with housework
my quilt that my Granny made. Naps are just better with Granny's quilt!
a twelve-year-old who loves to bake and is getting really good at it (and really independent)
the fact that Halloween (my least favorite "holiday") is over and Thanksgiving and Christmas (my two very favorite holidays) are just around the corner.
God's constant provision

In many ways, my illness has been a blessing because I have learned to slow down and appreciate everything around me. Life is good and I have so much to be thankful for!

Wishing you all much to be thankful for,
Dawna

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 2

2011-11-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

Things I am especially thankful for today:

a crackling fire in our fireplace
warm slippers that also happen to be cute, given to me by a sweet friend
pomegranate white tea with a touch of honey
my red tea kettle
a God who is big enough to work things out even when, on paper, it doesn't look like there's a way
even more importantly, a God who cares enough to take care of me and my family
naps (even though my kids won't take them, I need them)
a girls'weekend with another sweet friend coming up in just a week and a half
tangerines
the tube in my stomach (yep, I know it's a weird think to be thankful for. It causes problems, too, but mostly it helps me and I'm thankful for that.)
great doctors
time with my family (this may be on my list every day)
an employer that has been beyond supportive through this journey of mine

Yesterday I met with my school district superintendent and we made it official that I won't be back to work- at least for this school year and most likely not at all.They have been fantastic about everything, but I am feeling very emotional right now. On the one hand, I am so grateful to have the time with my family and to be able to teach my own children. On the other hand, this is a big transition... not just professionally but also financially. Some things have gone well and I am already approved for long-term disability insurance. Others, like health insurance, are more of a concern. COBRA coverage is more than half of the amount I will be receiving for disability, and that is already a 33% cut from my current earnings. I have been our sole source of income and this is a scary place we are in. Todd is still needed at home as he still provides most of the care for the kids and house, and now he takes care of my medical needs, too. We don't know how this is all going to work out, so I think the final thing on my list of thankfuls today will be:

friends who pray for me

Wishing you all much to be thankful for,

Dawna

30 Days of Thankfulness- Day 1

2011-11-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful to be alive. After the events of this past summer, it's not something I can take for granted, and I don't. Life may not be easy, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to live and learn and to be a wife and mother. God is so good and so faithful!

I am also thankful for friends, both my own and my kids'. Last night we hosted a party and fourteen of my son and daughter's friends attended. What a great group of young people! I am also so blessed to have so many friends in my own life who encourage me and pray for me and just make my life better. I am currently without a camera, or I would share a picture of the beautiful fall bouquet my friend Brenda dropped off on Sunday for no reason other than to brighten my day (so instead I'll share a photo of another pretty fall bouquet I found on the web).

I love autumn, and especially the month of November. I am thankful every day and this month I have an excuse to start blogging again and share my blessings with you.

Wishing you all many things to be thankful for,
Dawna

30 Days of Thankfulness

2011-11-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Well, hello there. I remember you!

It's been about a year since I last blogged, and a lot has happened during that time. I will get around to filling you in eventually (if you want to hear it, that is), but for now I am simply blogging because I was double-dog-dared. Well, not exactly. But I was encouraged by some of my sweet bloggy friends to start blogging again, and we're all going to try to do 30 Days of Thankfulness for the month of November.

I have so much to be thankful for that this should be a pretty easy task to accomplish and I am always encouraged to see what others are thankful because often it helps me recognize blessings in my life that I may have overlooked.

Let the counting of blessings begin!

Once Upon a Time...The End.

2010-09-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

I think my season for blogging has come to an end. For months I have continued to read my favorite blogs... those written by friends and those that inspire me. Sometimes I leave comments, and sometimes I don't. But I've been there. And with every visit it has weighed on my mind that I really should be posting on my own blog.

But the fact is, my heart isn't in it. I started my blog to keep a journal for my family and I really still need to do that. But it shouldn't feel like a chore and right now it really does.

I have things to say. Pictures to share. I still crave the connections that I have made through blogging.

But I'm tired. Not the kind of tired that comes from being too busy, although there is a little of that, too. What I have is the clear-to-the-bone, barely-keeping-my-head-up, everything-in-me-aches kind of tired. I just finished my third week back at school (second with students), and I am struggling. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

I saw a new specialist this summer; one who came highly recommended by several sources. His first words after greeting me were "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." He is referring me to another. My case is pending review to see if they can help me. If they say no, there are two other specialists... one in Phoenix and one at the Mayo Clinic. If they say no....? I am praying that I will find a doctor whose curiousity is more pronounced than his ego. I know there may be nothing they can do, but I want to find someone who is willing to try.

I meet with my doctor in Seattle next week. There is talk of turning off my pacemaker for a few months to see if we can reset my baseline. I'm scared of what the next few months may bring. The pacemaker doesn't help much, but surely it is helping some.

There has been a lot of discussion about my ability to continue working. My husband, whose arms are totally wrecked, is applying for jobs because he thinks I need to be at home. I don't want to think about the insurance issues that will come up if I am no longer working. I try not to think about the financial implications, because the one thing I have learned in the last decade is that God always provides. Maybe not in the way we had planned, but we will be taken care of.

So, as you can see, this blog is turning into everything that I don't want it to be and nothing that I created it for. I want to be a light for my friends who visit my blog. I want to make people smile. I want to share pictures of Emma having a tea party with her chicken (yes, she did), and Rachel and Connor completing their first triathalon (they were amazing). I want to introduce you to our new bunny, Chloe (she's adorable). I want to show you the pumpkins growing in a vintage wash tub in our back yard (they are huge). I want to share my favorite recipes with you ('tis the season for pumpkin pancakes with apple cider syrup, caramel pecan apple pie, yummy soups, homemade bread, and apple-pumpkin butter).

I do not want to complain or ask for pity. I do not want to whine about how icky I feel, yet here I am doing just that. I do not want my friends to walk away from my blog feeling depressed.

So I think this is the end, at least for now. Thank you for reading my blog and leaving so many kind comments these past few years. I am blessed to have such good people in my life, and I promise I will continue to pop in on your blogs and check in. I love you, sweet friends! ~The End

Chickies

2010-06-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

School is finally out for the summer, and the last few weeks have been busy ones.

First, my girlies and I had the opportunity to head up to Spokane for the Farm Chicks show. The time with my girls was wonderful, the show was full of beatiful vintage and handcrafted goodness that left me inspired, and... best of all... I had the opporunity to visit with friends.

Chelle graciously invited us to spend the night in her beautiful old-new home. Her husband David is an amazing craftsman who is creating the most beautiful home for his bride and children. And every nook and cranny has Chelle's touch. She has an amazing sense of style and color, and the home feels like something out of a magazine. I can't wait to see it when they are all finished. It is so beautiful, an extension of Chelle and her gracious spirit.

When I arrived, Nikki and Andi were there along with a few new friends - Chantel, Jessica, and Becca. We visited until much too late, and it was just as wonderful as it was at Seabrook. Lovely ladies, gentle spirits, the very picture of grace. These ladies are amazingly creative and funny and inspiring and I had such a wonderful evening with them.

While we visited, Rachel kept an eye on the littles and snapped some very cute photos of Annabelle and Jack and Emma. As you can see, Emma and Annabelle didn't take long to become fast friends.

At the Farm Chicks Show the next morning, I had a chance for a quick visit with Aminta and Courtney. Courtney had the most beautiful booth at the show, but they were so busy that I didn't dare linger for long! Jessica and Becca had a beautiful booth too. Rachel found several treasures, including a beautiful hanging vase that she purchased (with her own earned money) for my birthday. Emma's highlight was the sweet pinwheel that Jess gave her. The show was busy and beautiful and amazing. There were so many things for sale at the show that I already have from my Granny's house... I came home full of ideas for displaying my prizes.

Note: Rachel had her camera at the show so all pictures are hers (as well as the pics above). It's always interesting for me to see what catches her eye enough to inspire her to get out the camera.

In addition to the Farm Chicks and watching the sweet little chickadees play on our visit, we have added another type of chickies to our lives.

For a number of reasons (curiosity/scientific exploration, sustainable living, health and nutritional concerns, etc), we have decided to raise chickens. Growing up, my family always had chickens. I hated them. Truly. There were two reasons I despised the chickens: 1) roosters!, and 2) having to go into the chicken coop to gather eggs. Of course, if I had ever worn shoes then the chickens probably wouldn't have treated my toes like fat, juicy worms but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, I happened upon an article about Amish coops with nesting boxes that are accessible from the outside. I did a little research on coops and found oodles of designs, both large and small. I talked it over with my hubby (who was not raised around chickens or any other animals), and when he agreed we talked it over with the kids. I sketched out what I wanted the coop to look like and Todd and the kids figured out what the needed and how to put it together. We made a few trips out to Granny's to reclaim scrap lumber and old barn wood, chicken wire, and some bead-board cabinet doors that were stashed in the garage. In the end, we had to spend some money ($11.45 to be precise) because Todd needed a few more pieces of wood, but the majority of our chicken coop is reclaimed/recycled/repurposed. It is tucked up in the corner of the yard at the back of our house, in a previously unused corner where we could never get anything to grow. It's close enough for us to keep an eye on our flock, but tucked out of the way enough to not be the focus of the yard. One day while I was at school, Todd and the kids painted it barn red (which I love), except for the cabinet doors which they left with their original worn coats of white with barn red latches. Todd added a small cabinet that he reclaimed from one of Granny's outbuildings to be used to store chicken feed,etc.

The kids and I did a lot of research on chicken breeds and chose 4 different types for their temperaments and productivity.

This is Cookie. She belongs to Rachel, who named her Cookie because she's one smart cookie. She's very obviously the leader of the group, and she's the first to venture into new places. Cookie is an Australorp and will be all black when she matures.

This is Connor's chick. Her name is Princess Leia N'Egg (Princess for short). She is a Plymouth Barred Rock and will be a lovely black and white striped hen when she matures.

Emma's chick is a Buff Orpington named Lola. (Princess Lola Queen Mermaid Gretel, last I checked, but no matter how many additional names Emma tacks on she always refers to her has 'Lola'.) She is the perfect little pet for Emma as she is very gentle and calm and doesn't mind being handled. A lot. Emma chose her because she's yellow... Emma's favorite color. Lola will be a yellow-tan (buff) when she grows up.

The fourth belongs to the mister and me. She is a Rhode Island Red named Lucy. I was a bit surprised that my husband chose the name, only because he pretended to not be very interested, but I can't think of a better name for a redhead than Lucy, can you?

The girls currently reside in a purple plastic tote in Rachel's room, where they like to snuggle under the heat lamp with their surrogate momma (the panda). The last two days we have put them in the coop during the daytime and they seem to love it. In a few more weeks when their feathers come in, they'll be out there all the time.

We won't have eggs for several months, but when we do the kids will be able to gather them from the nesting boxes, which are accessed outside the coop. We don't have a rooster, so I guess that eliminates both of my previous complaints about chickens. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, the girls are already earning their keep by providing fertilizer to add to our compost bin and by hunting earwigs. Not to mention, entertaining the kids!

The Trout Pond

2010-05-27T19:03:00.001-07:00

"The Trout Pond"

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These are a few of my favorite (vintage) things

2010-04-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

I know several of you ladies love vintage pretties, so I just had two share two of mine with you.

This little jacket that Emma wore on her third birthday (4/3/10) for Easter dinner with Todd's family, was handmade for me by my Granny when I was tiny. It makes my heart happy to see Emma wearing it. :-)

And this little wool sweater was given to my cousin, Lori, when she was born (in 1971), but my aunt never put her in it because my aunt was not a fan of pink. She recently gave it to me, still in it's original packaging, and Emma wore it on Easter Sunday.

I love pretty vintage things, especially when they remind me of family! (And I love these kids an awful lot, too!)

{emotional}

2010-04-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

My sweet Emma turned three yesterday. Three. I still can figure out where the time has gone.

In the next few days, I plan to upload the pics from the weekend and post about all the things I love about my youngest. She deserves a post of her own but this post is not it. This post is for me. (Selfish, isn't it?)

There is something about her birthday that leaves me very emotional. I get a little sentimental on all my kids' birthdays, but Emma's is different. Maybe it's because she's the last, but I think it's because her birth was so different. Because we both came very, very close to not being here.

Her birthday is always emotional for me. Maybe in a few years I'll get past it, but for now I can't help reliving the parts I remember and trying to fill in the blanks about the parts I don't. I spend a lot of time being thankful that we are both here, and I spend a lot of time just processing. This post is part of the processing.

On Friday night, the eve before her birthday, I snuggled in to bed with Emma and watched her sleep while I remembered the events three years prior.

The pregnancy was not easy from the start. We had been trying to get pregnant for more than four years. It seemed like it was not going to happen, but Todd and I both felt like we were missing someone... that there was "room for one more". In August 2006, I became very ill and underwent two emergency surgeries. What should have been a simple procedure (gallbladder removal) had become life threatening because my local emergency room misdiagnosed (actually provided no diagnosis) during three ER visits with abdominal pain. By the time I had surgery, my bile duct was completely blocked with gall stones, my liver had shut down (for nearly two weeks by their estimation), my kidneys shut down, my pancreas wasn't draining, and I was a mess. Shortly after my discharge from the hospital, I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. Two surgeries, two bouts with general anethsia, and a truckload of narcotics can't be good for a developing fetus.

By the grace of God, she was alright. In fact, that is exactly where we came up with her middle name (Grace).

Fast forward through several months of not feeling well and having my doctors (surgeon and ob) telling me that was perfectly normal given what I had gone through, and we come to April 2, 2007.

It was a Monday. The Monday after Spring Break, in fact. I had worked that day and thought it was just another day. When one of my coworkers told me he thought I was "done", I laughed at him and reminded him that I had five weeks left before maternity leave started.

That night I was uncomfortable, but nothing felt like an emergency. We tucked Rachel and Connor into bed around 8 and I remember asking Todd if I should call the hospital. I was feeling bloated and uncomfortable, but looking back I still can't remember anything that felt critical. I just knew that I needed to call. If I have ever heard God's voice in my life, I'm pretty certain that was it and I'm glad I listened and obeyed. Todd has learned that if I'm complaining, there's usually a reason and he insisted that I call.

The nurse on the other end of the line was convinced I had a stomach virus and encouraged me to stay hydrated while I waited for the doctor on call to call me back. I asked to come in to get checked...again, still not sure why...and she reluctantly agreed to let them know I was coming in. As I hung up the phone, I remember fighting the urge to whimper. I also remember telling myself that I was being silly...that it was all in my head just because I had called the hospital. By the time my mother-in-law got there to stay with the kids, I was really uncomfortable. By the time we hit the freeway, I was miserable. I don't remember the drive. Todd said he drove over 100 mph and prayed that he would get pulled over so we could have a police escort to the hospital (we didn't). He said I laid in the back seat of our van and moaned and whimpered all the way there (the hospital is about 40 miles away). I don't remember it.

I remember heading for the ER bathroom while Todd checked me in. I vaguely remember the wheelchair ride upstairs. I clearly remember the same nurse from the phone telling me that I had a virus and she planned to hydrate me and send me home. I very clearly remember my husband insisting that something was seriously wrong and that he would not take me home until they figured out what it was. I remember pain. I remember shots.

Early the next morning, after a shot for pain every hour (they didn't work!), they sent me for an xray and ultrasound. The xray showed a possible intestinal blockage, the ultrasound showed that Emma was doing fine but she wasn't head down and I had placenta previa (which we already knew but were hoping would change). We spent the morning watching and waiting. No one was sure what to do or what would happen.

Mid-afternoon, I woke up from a nap with terrible pain across my ribs and down my left arm. I didn't even wake Todd, who was napping in the chair next to my bed. I hit the nurse call button and all I could say was "I'm in trouble". I'm not sure why that was my choice of words. That was just what came out. By the time they ran to my room, I was on my knees on the floor. I vaguely remember the xray machine in my room. The words "free air in her chest". I don't think I grasped what it meant... that something inside me was leaking. The pain was indescribable. People always ask me if I thought I was having a heart attack. When there is pain like that, you don't think.

I don't remember much else. It makes me very sad that I don't remember my daughter's birth. I don't even remember going into labor, although I did. I wish I could say that I was focused on praying for her safe delivery, that I was worried about the fact that she would be just over five weeks early. The truth is...the painful truth is...I don't remember thinking about the baby. I don't remember thinking about my own situation either. During the few conscious, lucid moments I had I was just focused on breathing because that was a monumental effort. I just wish now that I could remember everything. Anything.

Todd says that after they found the free air in my chest, they hooked me up to about a zillion monitors while they consulted with every doctor they could get ahold of. Sometime in the early evening, every alarm in the room went off. My heart rate, oxygen, blood pressure... I crashed and everything dropped. They did what they could to stabilize me, then whisked me away to critical care.

I woke briefly in critical care and found Todd's entire extended family gathered at the foot of my bed. It didn't occur to me until later that no one from my family was there.

The next thing I remember is waking in the operating room while they were transferring me to the operating table. They asked me if I could help, and I think I groaned at them. I vaguely remember thinking that they didn't know how bad I hurt or they wouldn't have asked. What happened between critical care and the OR still gives Todd nightmares. He says he is amazed at how quickly they put the surgical team together. He says it was the worst moment of his life when they told him he had 30 seconds to say goodbye to me and the baby. There were six doctors and a plethora of other staff waiting for me in the operating room. Emma's heart rate had decelerated drastically and not come back up and I was hanging by a thread. They were kind and gentle but brutally honest with him when they told him that we were in trouble and they didn't think they could save either one of us. He says it was the worst moment of his life and he was terrified.

I remember laying on the operating table and being aware (although unable to focus) of several people literally crawling all over me trying to prep me for surgery. My stomach was distended to amazing proportions at that time, so they had a very large area to prep. After that I passed out from pain.

God's grace is amazing. As miserable as I was with a small leaking hole in my belly, I am grateful that I lost consciousness when the big hole tore. I am also so very thankful that I was on the operating table when it happened, with a doctor who had experience with perferated ulcers. Had I not been, I would not have survived. Statistics show that they have about 3 minutes after a stomach perforates to get it cleaned out or the patient has virtually no chance of survival. At the time, there was only one documented case of both mother and baby surviving the condition.

They tell me they opened me up without anethsesia because there was no time to wait. The incision came first, followed by anethsesia. They had Emma out in less than two minutes. Much to their surprise, she was breathing and she was strong. They told Todd he had time for one picture before they took her upstairs, but he refused to let go of her and ended up carrying her up the service elevator (along with 17 of his family members, the nurse, and the pediatrician). There was much discussion about life-flighting her to Portland. She was struggling to breathe and they weren't equipped to deal with a preemie. I am grateful to this day that the pediatrician and the obstetrician agreed that (assuming I survived) we would both do better if we were together.

Todd stayed with Emma because there was nothing he could do for me downstairs. She was born at 6:47 pm, and he doesn't remember when I came out of surgery. The nurse who was with me in recovery prepped me for one of my later surgeries, and she says she stayed with me for more than three hours after I came out of surgery and I still hadn't woke up. Todd came down a few times and was there when they were giving me shots to wake me up, to no avail. As they were discussing life-flighting me out, I woke up. Todd thinks it was around 3 am.

My first memory of Emma's birth was Todd trying to show me her picture on the digital camera, but it was too bright and I couldn't focus. Later the next morning, the nurse showed me a polaroid of her. Around 11 am (16 hours after she was born), I talked them into taking me up to see her. It took two nurses to push my wheelchair and two loaded iv poles, and poor Emma had almost as many wires and tubes as I did. The first time I saw her, she was in the oxygen tent and I couldn't see her very well. I thought she was beautiful anyway. I couldn't hold her, only touch her tiny foot. It was such a different experience than I had when I met my other two seconds after they were born, lying on my belly. Part of me still mourns the loss of that gentle introduction.

By the grace of God. I have used that phrase so many times in explaining our situation, and I think it sums it up nicely. Emma and I survived by the grace of God. No other reason.

I must be done processing, because I suddenly feel exhausted and emptied out. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to fully grasp all that happened, although I learn new things about it all the time. Little snippets of information here and there from various sources. Even knowing the facts, it is still hard to wrap my brain around all that happened. All I know is that I am grateful to be here, and I am more thankful than I can find words for that my beautiful, spirited Emma Grace is here. And that she's three. God is good!

Spring Break Adventure 2010

2010-04-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

(AKA: We'll Laugh About It Later)

We made it. Along the way there were illnesses and hospitalizations, automotive problems, miscommunications, and a few meltdowns (mostly on the part of the adults, I'm afraid), but when it was all said and done, we made it to the beach.

A quick stop at Multnomah Falls on the way there.

We had five wonderful days of (mostly) beautiful weather, leisurely days, and time to focus on each other without the distractions of day-to-day life. It was peaceful and relaxing, and after a very hard season of too many hours at school, my family love tank is full again.

Emma enjoyed stomping sandcastles more than building them.

Someday soon I'll have to post the journal I kept along the way. Just getting to the beach was an adventure, and not in a good way. By the time we finally made it to the campground on the beach and the hail started pounding down as I was standing in the mud guiding Todd into our campsite, I was beginning to wonder if we were demonstrating perserverance or just plain stubbornness and stupidity. I really felt like we needed the time away together but it was sure hard to get there. At one point we dubbed our trip "the most expensive vacation we've never taken". Later it was renamed "Spring Break Adventure 2010, aka We'll Laugh About It Later". No matter. We made it there and back safely and we had a wonderful time once we were there.

Best Friends (hope it stays that way!)

Dad and the kids and lots of new memories.

My sweet girl.Even Copper loved the beach (and his first vacation with the family!)

(The rest of the pictures...including family shots...are still on the camera. I'll try to post more soon.)

{Rememberances that make me smile}

2010-03-19T10:17:00.001-07:00

It was Beautiful

2010-03-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

Last weekend was beautiful.
The drive was beautiful.
The scenery was beautiful.
The coastal village was beautiful.
The house was beautiful.
The food was beautiful. (and delicious)
But most of all, the ladies I spent the weekend with were beautiful. Not just external beauty, although they had that in spades, but real, true inner beauty. Joy that radiates from deep inside. Grace. Generosity. Passion. Talent.
These women were amazing, as was our fellowship together.

Sadly, I didn't take any pictures. My camera is on its last legs, so to speak. I borrowed a camera from my 10-year-old daughter, but with so many amazing photographers around I decided that I could better spend my time simply soaking in the peace and happiness. So I did.

I'm hoping that the group will share pictures soon. In the meantime I have a heartful of warm memories, a sweet personalized apron hanging on the peg in my kitchen, a sweetly embellished tea towel hanging over the handle of my oven, and a happiness box full of sweet notes to remind me that I am loved by a group of very sweet ladies.

Did I mention that it was beautiful?

{now you know}

2010-02-04T10:25:00.001-08:00

A Day in the Life

In case you've wondered where I have been… or in case I look back on this journal years from now and wonder what I did with my time… here is a peek at a day in my life for this season:

6:30 am- after a night of restless sleep (mostly due to pain issues), a violent assault on my alarm clock, and a guilt-ridden affair with my snooze button, I finally drag myself out of bed and into the shower. After dressing and grooming routines are complete, I wander into the kitchen to see about breakfast. Most mornings, I find hot cereal (Bob's Red Mill Hot and Tasty) waiting for me, compliments of my beloved. If it was a particularly rough night and my sweet hubby didn't get up in time (sometimes I intentionally let him sleep in), I forage for safe breakfast material (I try to keep grab-and-go stuff in the freezer) and either grab something to eat at school or give up and head out the door anyway. If the kids are up before I leave, I make sure to squeeze in a little time for each of them. We usually have a little pep talk about working hard, good attitudes, and what the day looks like; a quick family prayer; lots of hugs and kisses and I love you's and secret handshakes.

7:30- my school day begins. Classes begin at 8:20, before that my time is filled with staff meetings, last minute prep for class, working with students, and/or working with my DECA kids on their projects. School is out at 3:25. Lunch is at 1:05 on most days, but my students run the student store (attached to my classroom) so I eat at my desk so I can be available for assistance. During my prep period, I am usually working on things that need to be done for our three student-run businesses, or working on DECA stuff. My actual classroom prep usually gets taken home.

(Side note: DECA is the student marketing association, and I am the advisor at our school. I teach HS Marketing, and my students run three businesses, a student store, indoor sports concessions, and a custom imprinting business. We do not receive any funding from the school district, so we work year-round to raise money for fieldtrips, competitions, and materials for activities. Our state conference is held in late February, and my students compete in both written events (manuals that are sent for judging in January, followed by presentations at the conference) and individual or team role play events (100-question test plus role plays with judges) and we prepare for these throughout the school year.)

3:40- my work day is officially over and on rare occasions I actually get to go home. More typically, however, I am at the school until 5:00… or 6:00… or 9:00 working with students on their written events. We have now completed our written events for the year, so yesterday I was actually home by 4:00!! I was only home until 4:45 and I was making brownies for a DECA event while I was there, but I at least had the chance to see my family!

6:00- back at school for DECA events (assuming I went home in the first place). Last night our event started at 5:00, but we normally start at 6:00 pm. Twice a month we have meetings for the entire chapter, twice a month we have Prep for Champions (where we bring in local business partners as judges and practice our role plays), on other nights we have practice test sessions, work sessions for presentations, community service projects, or fundraisers. I try to spread things out, but we average 2-3 nights per week for DECA meetings and events.

On Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, we generally have a basketball game, which means time in the concession stand. On school days with basketball in the evening, I don't go home at all because I have to be in concessions to supervise set up at 4:30 pm. We usually finish by 9:00 or 9:30 pm. Game days are long days, so I try to make sure I remember my lunch that day, because dinner is definitely out.

I usually call home to chat with the kids on game nights, because those days are rough on the whole family. My poor sweet hubby has the kids from the time they wake until I get home late at night with no breaks. Sometimes they come to the school to visit me or bring me dinner. Sometimes (on very sad days that leave me drained), everyone is asleep when I leave in the morning and the kids are in bed when I get home and I hate my job because I had to go an entire day without seeing or hugging my children. We try to do everything we can to prevent those days, so the kids are often up much too late on those nights, just so they can see me before bedtime. Of course, then I'm coming home exhausted (and smelling like hotdogs and popcorn with artificial butter flavoring…gag) and the kids are overtired and over-stimulated and as much as I want to put my feet up, I know they desperately need my attention, Todd desperately needs a break, and I desperately need a few snuggles. It's not a good solution for anyone, but we make it work. But I digress….

8:30- on normal nights, I am home by 8:30, which is bedtime for the kids. We spend a little time going over their work for the day (dad does all of the teaching/correcting, but the kids like to show me their work and I like to know how they're doing), visit about their day, and prepare for bed. Stories, prayers, tuck-ins, lots of stalling. On nights when I get home late, sometimes the kids are up much later than we would like. We try not to get frustrated with them; after all, they are just trying to find a little bit of normal family time. January and February are by far the worst, so right now we are all just hanging on for the ride.

9:00- kids are (hopefully) in bed. Time to help Todd tidy up the house and take care of anything that didn't get taken care of during the day. Dishes. Floors. Lesson plans (I make the lesson plans for homeschool, per Todd's request) for my kids and my classes. Try to carve out a few minutes to connect with my spouse. Lay out my clothes for the next day. Sometimes, check blogs or emails… but just a quick peek and at this time of the year I am absolutely not good about stopping long enough to leave comments or reply to emails. (I am so, so sorry dear friends. I love you and promise I am still reading your blogs!)

Bedtime is anywhere from 9:30 to midnight, depending on how many things I absolutely need to accomplish before I retire for the night.

Weekends… when there are no games… are good times. Leisurely breakfasts, bicycle rides, lounging in pajamas all day, science projects. Tucked in the corners are grocery shopping, laundry, house cleaning, bill paying, and lesson planning. I try to find time for blogging and crafting, but those things tend to fall at the bottom of the priority list in this season, along with reading for pleasure.

So in case you've wondered why I've been so lazy about blogging… now you know.

As I mentioned, we have now mailed off all of our written events. We have two more weeks of prepping for state, followed by the conference on 2/21-2/24. Our last regular season game is the day after we return from state. Then life slows down considerably.

This year, I have special things to look forward to after the grueling pace of this season.

A lovely weekend with several lovely ladies. I can't imagine how refreshing this time will be to my spirit. I am hoping to be caught up on sleep before that weekend comes because I suspect we will stay up talking until the wee hours, and I am afraid I would sleep through the festivities at this point.

After that, Spring break. We have reservations at a campground on the Oregon Coast and are taking our camp trailer out for its first big trip. The kids are participating in Homeschool Days at the Oregon Coast Aquarium and Hatfield Marine Science Center. Two days of labs, up close encounters with sea life, meeting new friends, learning and enjoying life. Followed by a behind the scenes opportunity to feed seals and sea lions at the aquarium. Capped off by a sleepover in the shark tunnel (while Emma and I are tucked safely in our warm camp trailer a few feet from the beach). Todd's cousin's family will be there too. Her kids are the same ages as Rachel and Connor, also homeschooled, and will be participating in the same classes. They will be camping a few spots down from us. When the kids are finished with classes, we will stay for several more days to play in the ocean and explore. I can't begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to that uninterrupted family time!!!

After Spring break, the school year flies by. Our international DECA conference is held at the end of April. This year we will be in Louisville, KY and I already have three students who have qualified based on our school-based enterprise Gold-level certification (one of the projects that kept us at school until 9 pm on multiple nights!!).

Time to plant our garden, ride our bikes more, open the windows, and enjoy the sunshine. Time to read something for pleasure. Not for school, not for littles, just for me.

Life is busy right now, but I have so many things to look forward to! My focus during this season is to remember to breathe in and breathe out, to soak up every drop of love my family has to offer and drench them with all of the love I can give in the limited thimble-fulls of time I have, to eat something healthy every day, to remember that this season will pass, and to savor the anticipation of what is to come rather than to wish this time away. The time goes quickly enough on its own.

When we passed the high school the other night on our way to drop the big kids off at their art class, Emma pointed and said "Look, momma. That's where you live."

So if you've wondered where I've been… now you know.

2010-02-02T22:01:00.001-08:00

Someday, soon I hope, I will actually have time to sit down and write a blog post. Really! In the meantime, Happy February!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

2009-12-31T20:09:00.000-08:00

Another year gone... how is that possible?!

First, let me apologize for being MIA lately. We got rid of our cable/internet/land line phone package, and we still don't have wireless internet hooked up. Apparently we are close to the tower but have no direct line of sight....? I'll leave that up to the techies to figure out, but in the meantime I miss having internet access. I have limited access through my phone but I hate posting from it, and I can't seem to get pictures uploaded. Grrr. On the bright side, without technology calling my name I have even more time to spend with the family!

I can't believe 2009 is at a close already. I just spent a few minutes reading through my New Year's Eve post last year and can't for the life of me figure out how it has been twelve months since all of that happened. Last year I recapped an entire year, complete with links and pictures. This year, I think I'll keep it simple while still commemorating the coming of a new year.

This past year has been a year of change for us. Some of the changes have been good, and some have been heartwrenching. I think the reason this year feels like it passed so fast is that we were never truly at a point where we caught our breath, but sometimes that is just a part of life. I can say with absolute certainty that throughout the ups and downs, the highs and lows, our God has been faithful and He is so good!

In the news for our family this year:

January- I had surgery (incisional hernia repair, mesh panel, and titanium screws); Todd's dear grandfather (Poppa) passed away.

February- Todd's sweet grandmother (Gramma) and his aunt's mil (Grandma Dorothy) passed away; Todd and Emma helped me chaperone our state DECA conference.

March- my beloved grandmother (Granny) passed away.

April- Emma turned two; with all of the recent losses, it was a pretty low-key celebration. In fact, we celebrated with my family at the dinner after Granny's memorial service. Later in the month, the entire family tagged along to Anaheim while I chaperoned the national DECA conference. We had lots of fun at Disneyland and I had the joy of meeting my sweet blogging friend, Leslie, in real life.

May- We began an earnest family discussion about the possibility of homeschooling and entered a pretty intense time of prayer and research.

June- I celebrated my 40th birthday at the Oregon Coast. I still can't believe I'm 40!

July- We celebrated Rachel's 10th birthday with a girls' day at the salon and shopping with her best friend. A few days later we celebrated Connor's 8th birthday with a party at the bowling alley. We celebrated both of them again with family a few days later.

August- We finally made the decision to homeschool, and notified our local ESD. This has been a huge change for our family, but also a blessing. In August, I also started back to school. This is my 11th year with the school district, my 8th teaching full time at the high school, and my 5th teaching marketing and advising DECA. By this time we considered Emma to be pottytrained (certainly newsworthy!), although we still kept her in a diaper at night (even though she usually woke up dry).

September- We spent a lot of time making adjustments to our homeschooling routines and adding in new materials. This was really an adjustment month for us. We acquired a pickup and used camp trailer and sold my car. The first day we had the camp trailer, Emma crushed her foot. (She is now fine; unfortunately she reverted to diapers while her foot was injured since she couldn't balance to get on and off the potty.)

October- Rachel has a shiny new smile, courtesy of braces.

November- I was diagnosed with multiple food allergies. I have been learning to eat differently and (mostly) feeling better. I also completed a 500 level ED course, which I needed to renew my Advanced Mathematics teaching endorsement. A big highlight for the month was our trip to Spokane. We took the kids to The Lion King (amazing!!), and I was blessed to spend a morning with sweet blogging friends Andi, Chelle, and Courtney.

December- A whirlwind month, for sure. We spent lots of time together as a family. Rachel and Connor sewed Christmas gifts for each other again this year (with my help), a tradition that I am loving. I made Connor a lego quilt (technically, I still need to finish the binding), and several pillows, skirts, baby blankets and play mats for others on my list. Christmas was wonderful, and we are all feeling blessed. And to top it all off, Emma has decided that she's potty trained again. Yup, just like that. One day she was refusing to even consider going near the potty... the next, off with the diapers and no accidents. She's a stubborn one, that sweet little firecracker of mine!

My biggest news is that I have made it for almost an entire year without surgery!!!!!

I have been so bad at blogging this year that I have considered dropping it all together. Now that I've sat down to recap the year, though, I'm realizing how much I value it as my own scrapbook and how I am missing the detail that was here last year. Looks like I need to give this some serious thought.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to all that 2010 has to offer. To improved health, to cherished time with my family, to our spring meet-up for our blogging community, to the epic road trip we have planned for this summer, to all of the blessings the Lord has planned for us this year. And I am praying for blessings for my sweet blogging friends, too!

Happy New Year!

My daughter, my friend

2009-11-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

(Rachel clowning around with her best friend on her birthday last summer)

Last Friday, I spent the sweetest day with my oldest child. This girl of 10, this quiet soul, is a joy to be around. I received my allergy diagnosis Wednesday evening, and I had Friday off because of parent-teacher conferences (we worked Tues and Thurs evening and received Fri off as comp time). Rachel and I decided we needed a girls' day (more specifically, a 'big girls' day' so dad kept Emma at home) and we headed to the Tri-Cities. During the drive (about 40 minutes), Rachel asked to look over my allergy portfolio. She asked a lot of questions, and by the time we reached our destination she knew my allergies better than I did.

Our hometown has limited options for grocery shopping, especially for anyone on a restricted diet, so Rachel agreed to check out a few stores for things I could eat before heading to the mall for the fun stops.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I'm not overly emotional or prone to bursting into tears, but that girl of mine had me on the verge several times that day.

In the grocery stores, she was a diligent label-reader. She quickly learned that casein, whey, and a number of other terms all meant dairy. She didn't just look at foods I suggested... she was on a mission, desperate to find foods that I could safely enjoy. Not just safe, but foods that I would like. The passion she showed in her endeavor stunned me. For the first time in my life, my daughter was watching out for me. It was humbling, and I have never been so proud of her.

We spent the rest of the day wandering. No agenda, no clock. Just the two of us. We spent nearly an hour in Barnes & Noble, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the shelf full of Newberry Award winners discussing our favorite books. I already had a pretty good idea about what books she liked because we discuss them frequently, but this was the first time she had ever really asked me about my favorites. We brought 'Sara, Plain and Tall' home with us and read it in two nights with Emma in our laps hanging on every word. Tomorrow, our librarian friend is bringing us 'Skylark' and 'Caleb's Story' to continue the series. We are already looking forward to Anne of Green Gables and the Little House series. It makes my heart sing to know that my daughter loves the same books I love.

We went to the bath shop and picked out a special vanilla lotion just for Rachel. She is prone to dry skin and eczema, and I secretly worry that she might have allergies, too.

When it was time for lunch, Rachel gave up an opportunity to eat at her favorite restaurant because she was certain I wouldn't be able to eat anything there. Again, I was nearly brought to tears by her thoughtfulness and protectiveness.

All the way there, back, and around town we talked. We talked about books, we talked about school (she loves homeschooling, by the way), we talked about my childhood in more than just anecdotes. Through our discussion of literature, I was able to discuss some of my deepest hurts from my own childhood and how they have shaped me into the person I am and why I make some of the parenting choices I do. Rachel's ability to sympathize and to empathize nearly had me in tears again. She is an amazing child.

We talked about math and over the lunch table we worked out a lesson on calculating percentages and making conversions between percentages, fractions, and decimals. She learns so quickly. She has an amazing capacity for growth.

Best of all, we spent the day walking hand-in-hand, and sneaking hugs, and speaking words of love and acceptance. We were on the go for over eight hours, but I returned home feeling rested and refreshed. It was an amazing day with an amazing girl.

We are going to do it again soon.

(I didn't mean it like that....)

2009-11-11T20:53:00.001-08:00

On June 11, 2009 I awoke to a beautiful day at the Oregon Coast, surrounded by my dear husband and children. With the sun creeping over the cliffs and the ocean whispering a soothing tune, I welcomed my 40^th birthday. Returning home from our vacation, I sat up late one night and updated my blog. While my family slept, I reflected on my life to date and dreamed of what the future might hold. I contemplated our journey of the past few years: my health trials, the completion of our family (before I felt I was ready, but that's a story for another time), the loss of the generation who was our guiding light and strength and encouragement. I thought about all we had been through, about what turning forty symbolized to me. It felt like I was stepping over a threshold into a new phase of my life, and at that moment I decided to rename my blog 'the next chapter'. The name was meant to symbolize the closing of a chapter of my life punctuated by pain and frustration and loss, to symbolize my desire to herald in a new season. I knew the next chapter would hold its share of trials and tribulations along with joys and milestones. I knew 'the next chapter' was not in my control and that there would still be challenges, but I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean for 'the next chapter' to symbolize a complete change in my life but rather a gradual, subtle growth.

I am a realistic person. I know that a birthday doesn't ruin your whole life, as some of my friends seem to believe, nor does it make past problems disappear. It's just a birthday. It's just a number. What I did believe is that I had reached a stalemate with my illness. I might not be getting better, but I wasn't getting worse. I was out of options with doctors because the ones who wanted to help had done all they could with the technology available, and the rest didn't know where to begin. I was in a holding pattern.

Last week, the holding pattern broke. It was a good news/ bad news situation. The good news: we seem to have found a piece of the puzzle that has been missing and I may have some hope for feeling better. The bad news: I have to make some major lifestyle changes. Changes that are hard. Changes that affect my family and the way I socialize and the way I live my life each day.

I am frustrated, and excited, and sad, and nervous, and angry, and puzzled, and hopeful, and worried. I am overwhelmed.

Apparently, I have food allergies. Apparently, I have quite a few of them. Most of them are making me sick, two of them could potentially kill me. I can honestly say that I didn't expect that result. The major allergies are gluten, dairy, and eggs. (The two scary allergies are dairy and beef. Seriously, beef. I never saw that one coming. I love a good steak.) You don't realize how prevalent those foods are until you try to find things to eat that don't have them. (And did I mention that I've always been a bit of a picky eater?)

I was certain I had food intolerances, suspicious that I might have allergies. Ever since Emma was born I've had trouble with milk and bread and pasta and yogurt. For the past year, I've been having weak, dizzy spells that my internist thought were related to reactive hypoglycemia, even though repeated glucose testing did not detect dangerously low blood sugar. Turns out they were related to allergies, and looking back I can tie every single episode to consumption of either milk or beef. (It's amazing how good hindsight can be.)

On the bright side, I am finding that I have more support than I would have imagined. Have you seen this post? Misha, thank you for caring and for taking the time to share your vast knowledge. You are a treasure! I've had a few other people offer to share information, too.

So here I am, truly entering 'the next chapter' (even though I didn't mean it like that). I am grateful for a supportive husband and family. I am grateful for friends who care and for those who have traveled this road before me. I am grateful that this news could potentially bring at least partial healing. I am grateful that I don't have to be in charge of this, and that my God is bigger than me and bigger than this challenge. I am grateful that, even though this is frustrating for me, it's not something terrible. There are much, much worse things than allergies.

Welcome to 'the next chapter', where this forty-year-old woman remembers to be grateful.

HALLOWEEN 2009

2009-11-02T21:40:00.001-08:00

This time last year I was still recovering from having my pacemaker implanted. Todd's mom took the kids to pick out Halloween costumes… Rachel ended up with a witch costume (NOT something I ever would have chosen, but it was close to Halloween and she had trouble finding something in her size). This year, she decided to wear it again. I am still not crazy about the costume, but I am pretty crazy about the little girl in it. I was also happy to not worry about making or buying a costume.

Surprisingly, Connor chose to wear his costume from last year again also (if you're not a Star Wars fan, that's Jango Fett you're looking at). I can't believe they both fit into the same costumes they wore last year!!

I think they had more fun watching Emma discovering the holiday than they did collecting candy. I wasn't sure how things would work with the big age difference, but they are both amazing with her!!

Miss Emma was in her element this year. Thanks to a hand-me-down poodle costume from someone my mother-in-law knows and a monkey costume my aunt found at a yard sale, she had two costumes to choose from. She wore the pink poodle costume for trick-or-treating on Main Street on Friday afternoon and again to visit family on Saturday. We stripped her out of her costume to eat dinner, and when it was time to get dressed to trick-or-treat in our neighborhood, she decided it was time to try out the monkey costume. I'm not sure which I like better… I think she was pretty cute in both of them. (And of course I'm not one bit biased.) I loved watching her march up to the doors with her older siblings and telling people "trick-or-treat" and "Happy Halloween". She really came out of her shell for the night and had a wonderful time.

I hope you all had a wonderful time, too.

The best part of Halloween for me: When it's over it's time for Thanksgiving and Christmas!!! Hooray for the holidays!!!!

Blessings to all of you!

Isn't she cute?

2009-09-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

It was a big week at our house!

Rachel received a sparkly new smile (isn't she pretty??!!)

At the orthodontist's office with her shiny new braces.

The 'before' picture, taken early that morning.

The kids completed a scavenger hunt challenge from the high school/middle school librarian. Their challenge: to find the structure in our county which is built from polyhedrons, research the history of the structure, and estimate how many polyhedrons were used in the structure. The prize: candy bars (and a new challenge).

Todd and the kids accompanied me and my high school students as we walked in the Pendleton Round-Up parade. This is the fifth year my students have done this as a promotion for our local Coca-Cola distributor. The kids have a blast (big and little kids alike), and we earn a little money for our program. The poor girl in the polar bear costume nearly had a heat stroke, but other than that it was a great time.

My high schoolers and I also spent two (very late) nights handing out samples after the bullriding event at the rodeo.

Todd and the kids snuck out for a little nature trip and some fly fishing. Both big kids caught fish (Todd caught a few too), they all found some lovely nature treasures, and the trip sparked some very creative stories from the kids (written from the fish's perspective).

And please, oh please, don't ask me about Emma's outfit... or where she found the binky. All I know is that she was clean, dressed in a cute sundress, and binky-free when I came home. Were it not for the pictures on the camera, I could have lived in complete ignorant bliss!

~treasures~

2009-09-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of changing the subtitle of my blog; "writing the story of my life one month at a time" might be more appropriate, and even that is a stretch. My poor little blog is so neglected that I'm pretty sure I only have about three people reading any more, but that's ok. I'm not ready to hang it up yet. (And thanks to you three for checking in on me periodically!)

I have so much I want to share, but my energy level has been at an all time low and I can't sit here and think straight enough to type it out. Every day someone asks me how I'm feeling, and I always tell them I'm better because most people want an answer that makes them feel comfortable rather than an honest report. Plus, I feel like this chronic illness thing has got to be wearing thin with most people. I know I'm sure sick of it (no pun intended). I struggle with the concept that this will most likely be the way I am for the rest of my life (or it may get much worse). In some ways I do feel better than I did this time last year and the pacemaker has helped some. But in many ways I'm not better at all. Because my entire digestive tract is not working right, I'm not absorbing nutrients properly. Despite a careful diet and more supplements than I care to take, bloodwork shows that I am deficient in everything we've checked. Bottom line: I feel really rotten for at least 3-4 hours each day, I feel sort of rotten most of the rest of the time, and I have zero energy. I am making it through the workday, but barely. Please don't think less of me for whining. I really didn't mean to share this much here, but to tell the truth it feels good to write it down plus I really covet your prayers (all three of you!).

Anyway, the real reason I decided to create a new post was to share a few treasures with you. I have spent an emotional summer sorting through my Granny's house, dividing up treasures among family members and trying to get the rest ready to sell. I am trying not to bring anything home to our little house unless I can use it immediately or it brings me such joy that I can't leave it behind. Here are a few of my Granny's things that I love:

This vintage print, titled "Kitty's Breakfast" used to hang over the bed I slept in when I stayed at my grandparents' house. I remember lying in bed
in the morning, listening to my grandparents' morning routine, smelling pancakes cooking and Grandpa's stong coffee. I have always loved this print and associated it with warmth and comfort, and I'm so happy that it now hangs in Miss Emma's bedroom. I'm not sure if it originally belonged to my mom or her sister, they don't remember, but the younger of the two is 59 so I'm guessing this print is over 50 years old.

This little red hat. I don't have any memories attached to it, but it reminds me of a gentler time, when everyone wore hats and little girls wore white gloves. I found it in a hat box on my Granny's top shelf.

Next to it is a leatherbound volume of poetry that was given to me a few years ago by Todd's Grandma (she passed away in February, just before Granny). The handwritten inscription on the inside cover is dated 1908. It contains a lot of poetry that is now considered classic (Tennyson, Keats, Longfellow, Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Lord Byron, Shakespeare, and MacDonald, plus many others) and I try not to pick it up if I'm in a hurry because I seem to lose time when I open the cover.

My Granny's flour sifter, straight from her flour bin to mine. I have never stored my sifter in my flour bin because I don't sift for that many recipes, but hers just seems more at home there so that is where it will reside. As an added bonus, every time I bake I think of my Granny. She was famous for her pies (especially huckleberry) and her Santa Claus cookies. I even have her Santa Claus cookie cutter!

Remind me closer to the holidays to share her recipe and tell you about our family cookie tradition....

And the quilts. Oh my, the quilts. In a cabinet in the laundry room we discovered four quilts and six quilt tops (four are shown here) that were made by Granny's mother who died in 1924 when Granny was only three years old. The patterns are beautiful and every stitch was sewn by hand. Two of the finished quilts need some minor repairs, one has some stains. My cousin took the one finished quilt that was in perfect condition but they gave the rest to me because I was the only one who ever quilted with Granny and Grandpa. The quilting frame my Grandpa made is also mine and I'll bring it home as soon as I figure out where to put it. {Insert happy sigh.} I found it intriguing that some of the fabrics used were almost identical to the quilts Chelle made for Leslie, and the scraps we bloggy girls used for Cade's other gifts. (I'll create links for this when I can function better.)

I apologize for the terrible picture. This is the finished quilt with the stains (water rings?). I wanted to show you the beautiful and intricate hand quilting but this picture doesn't come close to doing it justice. Perhaps I'll try again when I come back to fix the links.

I hope you enjoyed peeking at my treasures.

Until next time....

AT THE DOOR

I thought myself indeed secure,

So fast the door, so firm the lock;

But, low! he toddling comes to lure

My parent ear with timorous knock.

My heart were stone could it withstand

The sweetness of my baby's plea-

That timorous baby knocking and

"Please let me in, it's only me."

I threw aside the unfinished book,

Regardless of its tempting charms,

And, opening wide the door, I took

My laughing darling in my arms.

Who knows but in Eternity

I like a truant child shall wait

The glories of a life to be

Beyond a Heavenly Father's gate?

And will that Heavenly Father heed

The truant's supplicating cry,

As at the outer door I plead,

" 'Tis I, O Father! only I?"

-Eugene Field

{long overdue}

2009-08-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how it happened, but summer is over. Perhaps not in the calendar sense, but in the sense that I have been at school all week and have only a few more free days before I am officially back.

Last summer I happily blogged away my days and shared lots of pictures. I sewed and crafted and wrote and photographed and made slide shows and kept my hands busy all the time. This summer I consciously stepped back from technology and activity and spent every moment I could soaking up this magical, fleeting time that is my family's childhood. I've missed the connection with my blog friends, but I am not sorry for my decision... not one little bit.

Still, it makes me a little sad to pull up my blog and see the same stale, albeit happy, post from two months ago. I've been meaning to find time to post an update, but life has been busy and content.

This week, Miss Emma has been waking up at 2:00 every morning. She is in the middle of a big growth spurt, she is cutting molars, and she is potty training. I'm not sure which event is waking her... perhaps a combination of the three... but it's been a rough week. She calls my name until I come to her room or she walks down the hall to my room. Once she knows I'm there, she falls back asleep. Unfortunately, I do not. Once I'm up the pain creeps in and sleep is no longer an option. So here I am at 4:30 in the morning, finally writing a post.

In a normal summer the kids and Todd would relax at home with few scheduled activities and I would teach a class or two at the college or take a class or two to keep up with my teaching credentials. This was not a normal summer.

This summer, the kids have been busy. Very busy. Connor enjoyed basketball camp, tennis camp, and swimming lessons. Rachel enjoyed tennis camp, swimming lessons, and science camp. Even though the camps were all local day camps, it kept us busy running.

I, on the other hand, have done very little. No classes (taking or teaching). No activities. No projects. No Summer Officer Retreat with my high school students.

What have I done with my time?

I have relaxed.

I have enjoyed time with my family and even enjoyed a date or two with my husband.

I have celebrated birthdays with my two older children.

I have purged almost all of the rooms in my house (and it feels good to declutter!).

I have gardened.

I have spent a fair amount of time sorting through my Granny's estate, cleaning her house, dividing treasures, preparing for a sale.

I have worked with my student officers, largely on the operations of our new start-up business (more on that in a later post).

I have focused on my health and well-being.

I have breathed in and breathed out.

I have planned and organized.

Noteworthy news:

~We have decided to homeschool. We have already received a fair amount of criticism/skepticism but we truly believe it is the best option for our family. Todd has done an amazing job of laying out curriculum and has some very cool projects planned for the kids this year. The kids are very excited. Please keep us in your prayers as we begin this new journey.

~Emma is almost completely potty trained!! She is in big-girl underwear all day (except when she's running around in a sundress with a bare bum, usually accompanied by rainboots and lime-green swim goggles). She has very few accidents during the day (yay, Emma) and now we are working on staying dry at night, which she does about half the time.

~I'm sure there is more, but my brain is foggy. I can't imagine why! ;-)

This post is long enough already, so I'll leave it at that for now. I will try to start posting fairly regularly again. I hope you have had a restful and blessed summer, and thanks for dropping by!

My Best Birthday Ever!

2009-06-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

I have a history of 'bad' birthdays. I have too many stories of birthdays that involve trips to the emergency room (mine or others'), plans that didn't work out, and birthdays that were forgotten by my own family (as in my parents and siblings, not my husband and kids). This year I was prepared to forget my own birthday. After all, who wants to turn forty. Yes, forty. Even as I write it, it looks terribly old (especially since most of my blogging friends are in their twenties). Yet somehow this turned out to be my very best birthday ever, thanks to the best husband and kids in the world.

My sweetest day looks something like this:

-Flowers and balloons in my room when I checked in

-Waking up in a cute little cottage at the beach snuggled up next to my dear hubby

-Sneaking into the other room for a little cuddle time with the older kids

-Heading down to the beach with the older kids while Todd and Emma slept in

-Exploring tidepools and enjoying having the beach to ourselves

-Heading back to the cottage and finding Todd and Emma just waking up

-Meeting up with my mom, sister, and sister-in-law for lunch while Todd and the kids go on a "secret mission"

-Spending the afternoon at the Oregon Coast Aquarium with my parents, siblings (all of them... a very rare occurrence), nephews, and my own sweet little family

-Dinner with my husband and kids, complete with chocolate birthday cake

-A beautiful sunset

-Hot cocoa with Todd, Rachel, and Connor while watching the video they made that morning to show me the beautiful handblown glass gifts they made for me (Rachel made me a paperweight, Connor made me a decorative float) --- we picked up my gifts at the studio the next morning

-Lots and lots more snuggles

-A whole day of Emma singing "happy bir-day to momma, cha cha cha"

-And the light on my phone flashing throughout the day to let me know that I had another birthday greeting

I have never felt so loved and cared for! I'll admit that I'm still a little apprehensive about this whole forty thing, but so far it looks pretty promising....

2009-06-11T20:17:00.001-07:00

I may be old as of today, but I have been having a fabulous time at the beach. I'm hoping that I can figure out how to add pics....

2009-05-13T21:50:00.001-07:00

Is it wrong for someone who makes their living as a public school teacher to consider homeschooling her children?

And where does one even begin?
How do you make the decision about what is right for your children and your family?
How do you choose a curriculum?
How do you let your school district know ... without upsetting anyone... when they are getting ready to announce the loss of 50-60 jobs in the district... that you are considering pulling your kids out of the system?
How do you cope with your family's disapproval (even though they haven't been told yet but you know for a fact it will be coming)?
How do you tell the group of ladies who read your blog, and whose opinions you value very much, that you need their input and guidance? Hmm. I guess I just did.

Assuming that it's my family we're talking about, of course, which at this stage is nothing more than speculation. (wink)

(But if it were my family we're talking about, I would have to tell Miss Tammy that she will be having Emma for preschool, regardless of any decisions we make. Because we love Miss Tammy! :-)

What if you were the one considering it. What would you do?

2009-05-06T22:02:00.001-07:00

Disneyland was so much fun, meeting Leslie in real life was amazing, the conference was great, and I am so very glad to be home. I will try to write something more substantial this weekend, but for now here are a few of my favorite pics from the trip (unfortunately, I forgot to grab the camera from Todd before I met with Leslie....).

Short and Sweet

2009-04-24T22:57:00.001-07:00

Just a quick to note to let everyone know we are alive. Our internet went down for a week (and I believe now more than ever that technical support personnel should have actual technical support knowledge), plus we got hit by the nastiest stomach virus I have ever encountered last week, but...

We leave for California in less than 48 hours!!!!

The bags are almost packed, the camera is charging, I have my special id card to help me deal with airport security regarding my pacemaker (remind me to tell you more about this later... could be a disaster and/or funny story in the making), reservations are made, and Connor and I got our hair cut today. In short, I think we are about ready to go.

Now I just need to touch base with this sweet lady again, because the plan is for us to meet IRL next week and I.Can't.Wait.

I will try to get one more post written before we go, and I'm hoping to post from CA via my Blackberry. Have I mentioned that I feel pretty good about my use of technology considering that I am practically a dinosaur? Nothing like teaching high school to make you feel old!

In case I don't get back here before we leave, I just wanted to touch base and wish you all a very happy weekend. Some day soon I promise I will sit down and catch up on everyone's blogs and actually leave notes this time. No, really! Only 24 days of school left after we get back from Disneyland!!

Bits of Joy

2009-04-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

Emma on Easter morning. She is a total girly-girl and loves looking in the mirror and getting all fixed up. If only her wispy hair would cooperate!

Connor with Gramma Patti (Todd's mom)

Rachel and Gramma Patti (Todd's mom)

Rachel, Connor, and Emma after church at Gramma Patti's house.

Emma hunting eggs at Nana and Grandpa's house. She was really into hunting eggs this year.

The past few weeks (months... years...) have been so draining. I kept meaning to update my blog, but it just seemed like more than I could manage for a few weeks there. In addition to the stress mentioned earlier, my pacemaker suddenly stopped working. I am hoping that it is still functioning but my body is just not responding to it anymore, but we're still trying to get me together in the same location as the remote device that reads/adjusts it so right now we don't know.

This week, however, I am determined to get out of my slump and post an update. For one thing, I am coming up on a very, very exciting event. In less than two weeks, I will be meeting this dear blogging friend in person! Not only that, but since I will be chaperoning a group of my hs students at our national conference next door to Disneyland, we have found a way to bring the entire family along which means...vacation!!! Yes, I will have duties. But I will also have lots of fun time. Especially with Leslie there!!! My kids have never flown before, so they are doubly excited about the trip.

For another thing, I just plain hate it when I let myself get down. It doesn't happen often, but losing Granny caught me off guard. And once I open that door, I let myself think too much. Normally I try not to think about the fact that I will never be "normal" again now that my stomach is paralyzed. And I definitely try not to think about where we might be headed with some of these health interventions and new symptoms. And I especially try not to think about how it might affect my longevity and ability to raise my family. But the past few weeks.... Well, let's just say I've had a good long soak in the pity pool.

Just for clarificication, even in the midst of feeling sorry for myself I still know that God is good. My Jesus is the same that He was before all of this stuff happened. But the simple truth is that I am human. Knowing that God is good doesn't mean I don't struggle with all of the normal human stuff like feeling sorry for myself and getting blue.

And just for clarification, even though I didn't have the energy to respond to each of you (or to leave comments on your blogs, even though I have been following along), I still felt and appreciated your prayers. More than you will ever know. Every time I read a new comment the tears would start anew (and I'm not normally a crier) because the depth of your friendship and caring were humbling. I wish I could give you each a big hug right now, and tell you 'thank you' in person. Because you all mean so much to me.

PS- Emma is now officially "2". We didn't have an actual party with everything else going on, but my mother-in-law graciously made arrangements and hosted a little family gathering with pizza and cake and ice cream and presents. My family isn't very big on birthday celebrations (might explain why I've never had a birthday party) but we sort of celebrated Emma's birthday at the dinner following Granny's funeral. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah, my family is like that. Oh well, gotta love 'em.

Just Sad

2009-03-29T22:23:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I've missed all of spring break without a single post. I would love to say that I've been out having fun with my family, but the truth is that I have been just sad and not feeling like writing.

I'm sad that we just found out that a dear family friend (my Granny's best friend, in fact) has ovarian cancer that is progressing very rapidly and is not being one bit kind to her.

I'm sad that my friend Lorie was just diagnosed with MS after a terrifying loss of vision. They are not sure if her vision will return or not. Of all the potential diagnoses my doctors have thrown at me, I can honestly say that MS is the disease that scares me the most.

I'm sad that I had an entire week off and I spent very little of it with my husband and children.

I'm sad that I didn't complete any of my projects this week and my house is a total wreck from pulling out yardsale stuff for a yardsale that never happened.

I'm sad that I didn't post last week about how wonderful I'd felt for the previous two weeks, because now all of my symptoms are back with a new one thrown in for good measure.

I'm sad because my pacemaker doesn't seem to be working as effectively as it was (which wasn't very good in the first place), and that there has been no follow up care by the surgeon who put it in despite several calls.

But mostly I'm sad because I lost my Granny this week. They believe she had a massive stroke Monday morning. When I arrived at her house on Monday, she was nonresponsive and my mom hadn't been able to wake her all morning. I called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital. In the ER she roused up enough that when I said "I love you, Granny", she looked right at me and said "I love you, too". I stayed with her all night Monday and held her hand. I didn't want to leave her because she kept fluttering her eyes open. By Tuesday morning, she wasn't even doing that. I ran home long enough to take a quick shower, then spent the rest of the day by her side holding her hand. Around 1:00 Wednesday morning, I had reached my pain threshold and had to go home to rest. Granny passed away around 6:20 Wednesday morning. I spent the rest of the week doing all of the things that have to be done when someone dies: making funeral arrangements, writing an obituary, calling social security and the pension office, etc. I still need to write her eulogy, but I'm having a really hard time with it. Her service is Thursday at 4:00, so I still have a little time.

I'm sad because I'm angry with my mother and I'm trying really hard not to be. I know it's not what God wants me to do, but I'm really struggling.

I'm just sad.

Jumbled

2009-03-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

This post might be a bit jumbled, but I have a few things I'd like to share.

First and foremost, an update and prayer request for my friend from work. His name is Chris, and you may recall that I asked you to pray for him when he headed in for surgery to have a tumor removed from his chest a few weeks ago. The surgery itself went well; they actually decided to go in arthroscopically rather than crack open his chest. They were able to remove about 3/4 of the tumor, then decided to check it out under the microscope before proceeding with the rest. It turned out that the tumor was cancerous. The remainder of the tumor is around his lungs and aorta and has lots of "feelers". They were afraid that removing any more of it would cause damage to his heart and respiratory system, so they opted to leave the rest alone for now. Chris knows that I have been praying for him, and I told him about posting his prayer request on my blog. He is grateful for your prayers and has given me permission to share the details. He is setting up a webpage (through a site developed specifically for cancer patients) and as soon as he has it finished I will be posting a link to it. In the meantime, please continue to pray for Chris and his family (wife and two young daughters, ages 4 yrs and 18 months). He will be starting chemo the end of next week and they will be traveling to Portland each week (a 3-1/2 hour drive each way). He is also planning to continue working through chemo and radiation as he is in the same boat I am (no sick leave left) and I am guessing that he'll be feeling pretty rotten.

Speaking of sick leave, our school district is considering negotiating to allow staff to donate unused sick leave hours to the leave bank. I have had several people offer to donate hours, but the district has refused as it isn't in our contract. This new option would provide relief for families like Chris' and mine (Chris is also the sole breadwinner for his family) when medical emergencies arise. I'm hoping that I'm finished needing to use unpaid sick leave for a while, but Chris is just beginning. Please keep our negotiations team and school district leaders in your prayers this week, too. What a blessing this could be.

And speaking of unpaid leave and blessings, let me tell you about God's math. Todd and I are usually pretty private about most matters, including finances, but at this point I'm going to share something with you just because I think it serves as a good reminder that God is good and always takes care of his children.

Since school began, I've had to take about 10 weeks off for medical appointments and surgeries. This is my third year of medical chaos, so I only had 8 paid days of leave available and, as I mentioned, the district doesn't allow people to donate leave. With all of my unpaid leave, we have had 3 months where our net pay was under $1000. With a mortgage, car payment, insurance, utilities, and groceries to pay for.... well, let's just say that it's been rough. Todd's family has helped us, we've liquidated some investments (ok. actually we've liquidated pretty much all of our investments), and everything has worked. My check at the end of February was a whopping $938 and there isn't much left to draw from. We were trying to figure out how to pay the bills for the month when Todd's uncle dropped by with a check "because you seem like you might need a little help this month". Totally unsolicited. (Example one of God's math). Todd added it to the account and sat down to figure out bills again. Even with the addition from Todd's uncle, we were running about half a normal paycheck. I was amazed, given that we used to seem to spend the entire check and now we have way more (way, way more) medical bills, that the money seemed to stretch as far as it did. (Example two of God's math). After double-checking his numbers, he told me that we were short about $340 to meet our obligations. As I walked past the kitchen, I noticed a check stuck in the top of our calendar hanger. Turns out Todd had forgotton to deposit a reimbursement check I had received from the school a couple of weeks ago, in the amount of $130. (Coincidence... don't think so. Example three of God's math). So now we're short $210. Not sure where that's coming from, so we pray together about it. Less than 10 minutes later, we get a call from Todd's mom that someone left an envelope with our names on it at Todd's uncle's house. No one knows who dropped it off (or if they do, they're not talking), and no one in the family recognizes the handwriting. Wanna know what was in it? Two crisp $100 bills, but no note. (That's example four of God's math, in case you've lost track). Yep. God is Good. Real Good. And our bills are paid for the month. (Oh, in case you've been doing our human math and realized we're still short $10... I put on a jacket I hadn't worn since last spring and found a $20 in the pocket. You aren't really surprised at this point are you? I know I wasn't.) God's math is good stuff, I tell you.

Other tidbits to share:

Granny is home!!! On Friday, she moved back into her own home. My mom will be staying with her for a while until we work out the long-term plan. She will definitely need someone to stay with her, but it is so amazing that she has progressed to the point of going home!!! Praise God!!!

I've had nearly two weeks without any numbness (before I had episodes where half my body would go numb, or where I would drop things and my hand would stop working). I have been having episodes of dizziness and losing my balance, but they don't last long and don't bother me nearly as much as the numbness. My biggest complaint right now (not that I have any right to complain, mind you) is that I am tired all the time. I've never been this exhausted in my life, except maybe during the first trimester of my pregnancies. I nap during lunch and after school, go to bed early, and sleep away most of the weekends. I want my energy back!!!! (I am also very grateful to have a wonderful, supportive husband who is doing my share of the work at home and telling me that I need to rest to heal. I love that guy!)

I just finished our taxes and it turns out that being poor has its perks. Since our out-of-pocket medical expenses were more than our income last year (ouch!), we're getting a nice refund this year. Todd's mom had already promised to make sure we had the money for the family to come along when I take my high school kids to nationals in Anaheim, but this way we'll have a nice cushion on our own, plus extra to set aside for the next rough patch. (I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but looking at the past three years I have to recognize a certain pattern here.)

Did I mention that we're going to Anaheim?! Not only will we get to take the kids to Disneyland for the first time, but I'll also get to meet Leslie in person!!! I am super excited!!!! We'll be headed down to sunny California the last week in April.

This teeny girl is going to be 2 in just a few short weeks. I can't believe how fast time has flown by. Does anyone have any wonderful birthday celebration ideas???

Safe at Home

2009-02-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

We made it through our busy week and we are back at home, safe and sound. Emma thoroughly enjoyed being an "only child" and the center of our universe for a few days. She did very well, considering the early mornings and late nights and irregular naps and 17 teenagers popping in at regular intervals. Rachel and Connor, in the meantime, had a great time at Grandma's house.

I haven't heard anything on my CT scan yet, which I'm going to assume is a good thing. (Of course, when I made that assumption with my stomach issues, it just turned out that they were puzzled and passing my tests around until someone came up with an idea. I don't think this is like that.) I'll post more about that when I hear something.

Right now I'm thoroughly exhausted, but so very grateful to be heading for my own bed. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers this week. It certainly made a difference!

I'll try to post more about the trip this weekend. Wishing you all blessings and a peaceful weekend!

just another whiney post

2009-02-16T21:52:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I appreciate you? Yes, you. Thank you for your kind words and for lifting me up in prayer. Every time I receive a new message, I am humbled to have friends who care so much (and Miss Tammy--- who by the way is the world's sweetest lady and best ever preschool teacher --- my family and I love you and I'm so happy you found my blog!!!).

If I could burden you all again, I would really appreciate your prayers this week. Here's the rundown:
Today (Monday) I had an appointment with my internist. He is certain I have a larger neuropathy issue going on, but we're not sure what. He's putting me on an anti-seizure medication...I'm not having seizures but he thinks it might calm my nerve endings down so they stop spazzing out and my pain level will decrease. He has scheduled me for a CT scan of my brain on Thursday. He wanted to do an MRI to rule out more things, but I can't have one because of my pacemaker. He's hoping the scan will allow us to rule out cancer and hemorrhaging, but it won't rule out MS, which is another concern. Scary words, my friends. I'm trying to look at the scan as an opportunity to rule things out and have peace of mind.
Tuesday- my first full day back at work, which will run from about 7:30 am to about 9:30 pm because we have concessions tomorrow night.
Wednesday- another check up with my surgeon. I found out Friday that when I sneezed last week a tore a small piece of mesh and muscle in my abdomen and I have a hematoma. If it hasn't started to heal by Wednesday, I'm headed in for another CT scan to determine if I will need another surgery to repair it. I really don't feel like I can go through another surgery at this point. They are getting more and more difficult to recover from.
Thursday- the brain CT, plus another night at concessions.
Friday- Dorothy's funeral
Saturday- Todd's Grandma's Celebration of Life service
Sunday- We leave for our State conference with 17 high school students. We will be back on Wednesday. That's 4 days and 3 nights with little sleep and much activity.

It's going to be a busy week and I'm not quite up to par yet. In fact, I slept yesterday until 11am, napped from noon to 4pm, and was in bed by 9pm. I think my body is trying to tell me something. If you happen to think of it, please keep me in your prayers. Also, don't forget my friend from work who is having surgery to remove the tumor in his chest tomorrow.

I know this is my third whiney post in a row, so I owe you all lots of happy things next time.

more bad news

2009-02-11T21:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning we got a call at 5:30 telling us that Todd's Grandma has passed away. We knew it was coming, and while we are so very sad that we won't have her in our lives any more, we are also grateful that she is healed now and she is safe with Jesus and Poppa. Todd had spent most of the previous day with her and had gone and sat with her for several hours after the kids were in bed. He was up in the middle of the night, restless, at precisely the time she passed. We knew it was coming, but we are still sad. The nurse who was with her at the time said she whispered that she was ready to go be with Poppa, then she quietly slipped away.

At 7:00 the same morning we received a second call, this one to tell us the "Grandma Dorothy" passed away. Dorothy is Todd's uncle's mother. In his family, two cousins married brothers (Dorothy's sons) so the family is very close. My kids have called her "Grandma Dorothy" their whole lives, because she is at every family function and treats them like grandkids. (She also happens to be the one I got the original mudpie brownie recipe from). This call caught us by surprise. Dorothy was in Spokane having open heart surgery, so we knew there was a possibility we could lose her. On the other hand, she's quite a bit younger than all the other grandparents, and she's strong. We all expected her to make a full recovery. In fact, I received a text message a few days ago with a picture of her walking the halls at the hospital and a caption: 'Gramma is up and around!' She was doing well, then her heart gave out. Todd's aunt and uncle both lost their mothers the same day, within an hour of each other, and on the 15th anniversary of Dorothy's husband's death. Todd's cousins lost both of their remaining grandparents on the same day. I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that she is gone.

At 8:00 am, I headed to school to work a half day. Shortly after I got there, one of my coworkers stopped by to see how I was feeling and to talk for a bit. It turns out that he is going in for surgery next week because the doctors have found a large tumor in his chest. It is wrapped around his esophogus and aeorta, and they are going to have to open up his chest to remove it. At this point they do not know what type of tumor it is. He is my age and has two young daughters. I am so frightened for him. Please join me in praying for him, for healing and for peace for his family.

The final blow of the day came with the mailman. We received a letter from the state insurance commissioner informing us that they did not find BlueCross in violation of any state laws (hard for me to believe since they were telling me I needed to obtain illegal drugs from another country in lieu of having the FDA-approved pacemaker). So for now we are stuck with over $50,000 in hospital bills for my pacemaker unless we can find an attorney who is willing to take on someone as big and powerful as BlueCross. I have never had any desire to take anyone to court (even though I could definitely have a lawsuit against at least one of my doctors), but I don't know how else to go about getting a company as big and callous as BlueCross to do the right thing. Any recommendations would be welcome at this point.

I have also picked up a minor cold, and when I sneezed the other day I felt like something in my abdomen tore. It is a small area, but the pain is intense and I'm not sure what to do about it. Todd is calling my surgeon tomorrow as it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I'm also still having some other issues, and I'll admit that it frightens me when I'm lying in bed with a headache and half my body goes numb, or when the chest pain is intense and is radiating down my left arm and up into my jaw. I have a good internist who is working on the puzzle, but I still get frightened sometimes. I'm also having more and more trouble swallowing. I just don't know what's happening with my body.

For the past two months, it seems like everytime I turn around I run into the same verse:

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good
and not for evil, to give you a future and hope. In those days when you
pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in
earnest. Yes, says the Lord. I will be found by you. -Jeremiah 29:11-14 TLB
For now, all I can do is cling to that verse. I know many of my friends are struggling with their own issues right now and I continue to pray for you. Please forgive me if I am out of touch a little more than usual right now and you don't hear from me for long stretches of time. My heart just feels heavy right now, and my mind has trouble focusing. Things will get better soon. They always do. In the meantime, thank you for your friendship and prayers. I am grateful for each and every one of you. I am grateful to have a wonderful and loving husband. I am grateful to have three healthy, amazing children. I am grateful for the love and support of my family and friends. I am grateful to have a God who loves me and forgives me and comforts me. Truly, I have so much to be grateful for.
My love to you all, Dawna

exhausted

2009-02-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear friends. I am sorry my posts are so few and far between these days, but things have been... well, exhausting.

We had Poppa's Celebration of Life service on Friday. The service was really nice. Todd's cousin put together a wonderful slideshow and I'm hoping to get a copy so I can post it here. I'm glad I've taken lots of pictures of Poppa with the kids over the past several years, and I know we'll treasure them for many years to come. The Honor Guard from the National Guard Armory was on hand to perform a flag ceremony and that was pretty cool. (Poppa flew 52 bombing missions in WWII...2 more than they were supposed to because the didn't report #49 and 50. They didn't want to quit flying, even though that had been shot down at least once.) The pastor from Todd's aunt's church officiated the service and gave a wonderful sermon on Departure. It's so good to know that Poppa is in the arms of Jesus now.

Todd's Grandma is still with us, but wanting so badly to go home and be with Poppa. When I was there the other day she told me that she can't believe how quickly it all went, and she told me she's ready to go home and her Daddy is waiting for her. She is so weak that she barely opens her eyes and she can't feed herself. It is so hard to see her lingering on in so much pain. Please pray for God to give her peace and to take her home in His perfect time.

My Granny is finally out of the hospital, but still not doing well. The pneumonia really took what little strength she had, and she's been struggling to recover. She was also told that she will have to spend at least another month in the nursing home doing rehabilitation, and I know that has taken a toll on her as well.

Today around noon our beagles got out and as of now (11:25 pm) there is still no sign of them. Todd drove around looking for them for an hour after they got out, but we have our nephew with us and he was complaining about being bored so Todd finally gave up and took the three older kids bowling. I stayed home with Emma and after her nap she and I drove around for quite a while looking for the dogs. Todd and I have taken turns driving around all evening (Todd is out as I type), but we just can't find them. At this point I'm guessing that someone picked them up and I'm praying it is someone who is kind and also honest. No one has turned them in to the Humane Society or we would have been called since I reported them missing. On Monday we'll put ads in the local papers and call all of the vet clinics. Unfortunately, neither dog had their tags on as we just switched them to training collars per Rachel's 4-H leaders recommendation. I know it's a silly thing when there are so many more serious problems in the world, but please pray that Copper and Kaylee will make it home safely. *Update 2/8/09 at noon: We found the pups! Praise God for keeping them safe all night (we think they spent the night in a field) and for keeping them together. A full 24 hours after we lost them, we found them about 15 blocks away in front of a construction site. They are stinky and hungry and tired, but they are home safe!

To round things out, I'm just not bouncing back from this surgery as quickly as I would like to. My doctor was pleased with my progress this week, but still wanted me off work for two more weeks. Our state competition is coming up the end of this month and I have to be back full time or my adminstrators won't let me chaperone, so the doctor agreed to a compromise. I will work half-days next week and go back full time the week after. I have another check up on 2/18. On 2/22 we head to Portland for State and we'll be home on 2/25. Please pray that my strength will return before we leave, and also that the pain will ease up. Today I sneezed and it feels like something tore. I usually throw out my pain meds a few days after surgery, but this time I'm still having to take them at night. I really truly hate taking pain medication. I'm not sure how well I'll function at school this week as my energy and focus are still very low. (On a related note, I have been reading all of your blogs but haven't been very good about responding as it just feels like it is so hard to focus right now. Please know that I love you all and am praying for you. I know a lot of you are dealing with your own struggles right now!)

That's about it for now because my head feels fuzzy again. I'm sorry this post was whiny, but thank you for sticking by me. I truly feel blessed to have friends who care so much and who pray for me and encourage me.

Love,

Dawna

I'm Back

2009-01-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

Hello, everyone. Just wanted to pop in and let you know I made it through surgery and how much I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Thanks to the miracle of technology, I had you by my side during my time in the hospital and that made a big difference for me. You see, my old cell phone was dying (probably because Emma dropped it in a glass of water about 5 months ago). It had been limping along with all but it's most basic function gone, but I was too cheap to replace it. Then, the battery started dying. I checked with my cell provider and found out I was eligible for an upgrade. After shopping around, I was able to get a Blackberry for free (love wirefly.com!) so I got my new phone two days before surgery, which gave me just enough time to set it up. Not only could I log in to facebook, but I was also alerted every single time one of you lovely ladies left a comment on my blog and I can't begin to tell you how much each of them meant to me. I was also able to watch your blogs the first few days, but didn't have enough energy to comment on most of them. After that, I didn't even check for a few days because my head has been fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy. I'm pretty sure that's the painkillers talking... more on that in a minute.

As for the surgery, it turned out to be a bit more complex than I anticipated. First, they found that my stomach was adhered to my abdominal wall and had to be separated (= more cutting than anticipated). Normally, we have a fatty layer that serves as a non-stick coating. Now don't worry about my fatty layer, I assure you it's there. In fact, I think I have an excess of fatty layer; a fatty layer in spades... and probably clubs and diamonds, too. Hmm, I digress. As I was saying, my fatty layer was hindered by a "veil of scar tissue". The doctor told me the day before surgery that he was encouraged by my last surgical notes which stated that I had remarkably little scar tissue given all of my surgeries. Obviously, that was not what he found when he cut into me. After separating my stomach from my abdominal wall, he had to take out the veil of scar tissue (= more cutting than anticipated x2). He then inserted a very large piece of polyester mesh, which my body is now trying to incorporate into the muscle layer (= more work than I thought it would be), and my favorite part was when he "quilted" my stomach. Yes, they call it quilting, and it's a process very much like tying a quilt. When he described it to me prior to surgery, I mistakenly assumed that he would tack the mesh in place with sutures. Umm. Wrong. He actually used titanium pigtail tacks, delivered via a tool similar to a nailgun. He actually used over 60 of them (= ouch. big ouch). Subsequently, I have actually been taking my pain meds, which I usually don't bother with. Which explains the fuzzy head. I am trying to switch to Tylenol tonight so my head will be clearer, but I am up at 11pm typing at my blog if that gives you any indication of my level of pain control (I've been asleep by 8pm every other night).

Actually, there's more to my reason for being up. Todd is at the hospital with his grandfather, whom we affectionately refer to as Poppa. As I finished that last sentence, my phone rang. Todd just called to tell me that Poppa has passed away. He went quietly in his sleep with Todd sitting at his side holding his hand. I prayed tonight for God's perfect timing, and for peace for the family. I know it's for the best, but it's also very hard. I won't be surprised if Todd's grandma passes in the next few days. Her health is very, very bad and her worry over Poppa is the only thing that has kept her here. She loves Jesus and is ready to go home.

And my Granny is in the room next door to Poppa. She was admitted tonight with pneumonia and she isn't responding to antibiotics.

Oh, friends. I meant this to be a lighthearted post with a quick update about my health. I didn't plan for it to turn into this. Please keep praying for us.

Much love and thanks to you all,
Dawna

full circle

2009-01-21T22:04:00.001-08:00

It seems that I have come full circle and find myself in a familiar place. It is a place I would rather not be, but I believe I am here for a reason. I just have no idea what that reason is.

Tomorrow I am headed in for surgery again. Again, as in this is my 7th surgery in 3 years.

I've mentioned my surgeries before but I've never given you the full run down. I've repeated my medical history for the various doctors, nurses, and admissions staff so many times lately that I even repeat it in my sleep. At some point last night it occurred to me that since it is running through my head anyway, it might be appropriate to share it with you (I'll skip the boring details, at least some of them). I know that I have several dear blogging friends who pray for me, and I am hoping that this will help you pray more specifically because I do appreciate your prayers and I know God is listening because He has blessed me in so many ways. If you would rather not know, please feel free to navigate away from my blog at this point. Come back in a few weeks and I'll try to have something more pleasant posted. Still here? Thanks for sticking by me, and please know how much I love and appreciate you, dear friends. Here's a quick summary of the adventure to date:

In November 2005 I went to my family doctor because I had a cough that wouldn't go away, along with a fair amount of abdominal pain. I was sent for an upper GI and x-rays, which showed that my acid reflux (which I had suffered from since I was a teenager) had eroded my esophagus, I was aspirating acid into my lungs and my lungs were developing a lot of scar tissue, and I had a hernia in my hiatus (part of my stomach was bulging through a hole in my diaphragm). I was referred to a surgeon in town, who felt it would be better to send me to a "leading specialist" in Portland. After more testing in Portland, we learned that the valve in my esophagus didn't function at all. The doctor recommended a Nissen Fundoplication where they would take part of my stomach and wrap it around my esophagus to serve the function of the defective valve. I was scheduled for surgery (#1) a few weeks later.

The good news: the surgery fixed the reflux. Now the bad news: I haven't had a day without pain since that surgery. At first I chalked it up to the digging around they did during the procedure (they had to separate my spleen from my stomach and dig a tunnel behind my esophagus, then suture everything to my diapragm). Three years later, we know there was more to it than that....

Ten days after my surgery, I had an attack of severe abdominal pain and Todd took me to the local ER. The nurse practioner on duty told me that I had gas and a low pain threshhold. She offered no testing and didn't even perform an exam. She did a good job of making me feel stupid, then sent me home.

For the next six months, I frequently had attacks of abdominal pain but I refused to seek medical treatment. Finally, in August 2006, I was desparate enough to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night. After waiting for over two hours (no, they weren't busy; there was only one other patient), they finally took me back to the ER where the doctor poked around my belly a bit and told me he thought I was having a stomach spasm. He gave me a dose of Mylanta with Lidocaine and sent me home.

Skip a few details.... ten hours later I was in surgery (#2). My gallbladder was "full of stones", the surgeon said there were well over a hundred and he couldn't imagine how I got to that point without a proper diagnosis. The bigger problem was that my liver bile duct was blocked with quarter-sized stones and the doctor was unable to dislodge them. Based on my bilirubin level, they think my liver had been shut down for nearly two weeks. Yes, two weeks. I was packed in an ambulance (while still under anethsesia) and sent to a hospital 40 miles away and the next day I underwent surgery (#3) to cut my bile ducts open. By the time we were done, my liver was severely damaged, my kidneys shut down, and my pancreas wasn't draining. God is good, and I healed well and most of the damage was reversed.

Less than two weeks later, I learned that I was pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant for more than three years, but I bawled when I found out. I was so afraid of the potential dangers the baby had been exposed to. I didn't feel well the entire pregnancy. The doctors kept reassuring me that it was normal given what I had gone through.

On April 2, 2007, 35 weeks into my pregnancy, I decided that I didn't feel right and called the hospital. The nurse on call listened to my complaints, told me she thought it sounded viral and to hydrate myself. I asked to come in and be checked, which she reluctantly agreed. We arrived around 9 pm and about an hour at the hospital, it became very clear that something was indeed wrong. Early the next morning, after a series of xrays... along with an ultrasound to check baby... they believed I had an intestinal blockage. A few hours later I woke from a nap with the most horrible pain in my chest, shooting across my ribcage and down my left arm. I hit the call button and all I could say was "I'm in trouble". The nurses ran to my room (2 doors from the nurses station) and found me on my knees on the floor. Another xray showed that I had free air in my chest, so they knew something was leaking but weren't sure what. While they were consulting with the radiologist and surgeon and trying to figure things out, I crashed. Todd says every alarm in my room went off... blood pressure, oxygen, heart rate... everything. They rushed me to the critical care unit, and 15 minutes later I was on my way to surgery. I don't remember much from that day, just flashes of images here and there. I remember the pain when I woke and calling the nurses, I remember waking in critical care and finding Todd's entire family gathered around me (aunts, uncles, cousins... they were all there; fortunately I didn't notice at the time that none of my family had shown up. That's a post for another time). The rest of the story has been filled in for me by Todd, various family members, doctors, and nurses. Every time we go to that hospital, I meet someone else who cared for me or Emma and they all want to share their memories of that night (a fact for which I'm grateful).

As they prepared to wheel me in to surgery( #4- the BIG one), Todd's family wanted to pray over me. The nurses told them there wasn't time. The family insisted, explaining that prayer is important. Again they were told that there wasn't time. When they asked a third time, a nurse gently told them that every second counted, and at that point they weren't certain they could save me or the baby. The family compromised by praying over me as they followed us down the hall to the surgical suite. Before taking me in, they stopped and told Todd that he might want to say goodbye. They gently told him that there was very little chance of either Emma or me surviving. Todd says that was the most difficult moment of his life, and he still tears up every time we talk about it.

They told him it might be a few hours before the baby was out. In reality, they knew she would be out in a few minutes, but they didn't think she would be alive and thought they would need time to work on her.

I woke briefly as they were transferring me to the operating table, and I remember having several people crawling all over me (literally... they were in a huge hurry) and prepping me. Then I blacked out again. According to the doctors and nurses, here is how the rest went:

Because my body was shutting down, I had gone into labor and Emma had moved into the birth canal. They were afraid to give me anethesia because of how it might affect her, so when they were ready both doctors (ob and general surgeon) stood poised above my belly button with scalpels. They counted down 3-2-1, then my ob cut me from vertically from navel to pubic bone. At that point the anethsesiologist began to administer anethsesia. They had Emma out in less than two minutes and, by the grace of God, she was alive. (I'll post her story next time... she deserves her own space!) They took her out to show Dad, then rushed her upstairs to the nursery. They discussed transferring her to a hospital with a NICU, but decided to keep her with me as long as they could and give her a chance to fight on her own.

In the meantime, the doctors were working around each other trying to save me. My ob was trying to put my uterus back together while the general surgeon was looking for the leak. When he didn't find it between my navel and pubic bone, he cut me upwards from my navel to my ribcage and worked his way up. Next to my esophagus, he finally found a hole in my stomach the size of a racquetball. Because all of my stomach acid and bile had emptied into my abdominal cavity, they spent a lot of time trying to clean everything out and minimize the risk of infection. When they had me sewn up, I went to the recovery room. My prognosis at that time was still very uncertain, especially since I wouldn't come out of anethsesia. Hours later (not sure how many, just that my recovery nurse worked with me for 3 hours before her shift ended and I still wasn't awake), after much deliberation about transferring me to another hospital, they finally took me to critical care. I vaguely remember Todd coming in and showing me a picture of Emma on the camera, but it was too bright and I couldn't focus on it. In the morning, they had a polaroid of her on my table but I didn't get to meet her until 16 hours after she was born.

Long story short, I had suffered a perforated ulcer. It happens rarely during pregnancy, and there are only a few documented cases where both mother and baby survive. I am legend at the hospital, because they had never seen it before. Remember when I told you God is good? How else could we explain all of the "coincidences"? I went to the hospital before things became critical, and I'm still not sure why. There was nothing screaming "emergency" to me at the time, yet I knew I needed to go. My chance of surviving had I not been at the hospital is zero. We are about 30 minutes from the hospital, and they have about 3 minutes to save you once you perforate. The fact that I was actually on the operating table when the large hole opened up is the only reason they had time to clear everything out to prevent damage.

Fast forward through months of healing and being in and out of the hospital and lots of testing. We finally determined that my stomach isn't functioning. At all. Apparently, when the "specialist" performed my Nissen we had a few problems. First, he wrapped my Nissen too tight, which prevents me from vomiting or even belching. That means nothing can move up. Second, he apparently took a stitch in the middle of my vagus nerve and now my stomach is completely paralyzed (gastroparesis), which means nothing moves down. While I was pregnant (and complaining to my doctors that my stomach hurt), I developed an ulcer. My stomach was paralyzed so it kept blowing up like a balloon, and finally the weak spot (ulcer) ruptured.

In December 2007, in an attempt to help my stomach empty better, my surgeon performed surgery (#5) to cut open the valve in the bottom of my stomach. While he was in there he took out my appendix which apparently was not looking good at all and repaired another hiatal hernia. Skipping details... skipping details... this surgery didn't help.

In July I was sent to Virginia Mason Medical Center and in August 2008 I had surgery (#6) to implant a gastric neurostimulator (pacemaker) to help my stomach function. So far, it's not helping much but we're still hopeful. Our only other option was to remove my stomach entirely, which didn't seem like a good option to me. Unfortunately, BlueCross is still refusing to pay for the pacemaker so we have a bill for $50,000+ for that. I have appealed repeatedly, and I am now waiting for my complaint to the Insurance Commissioner to be processed. (Their reasons for declining: 1)I could take illegal drugs from Canada for the condition, 2) I am not malnourished enough... did I mention that I can't vomit, which means I can control that more than most patients???, and 3) I hadn't exhausted all my options first ... excuse me Oh Powerful Insurance People, but if I take out my stomach, we won't ever need the pacemaker, now will we?!

Now, this morning (yes, I gave up on the post last night and went to bed), I am headed in for surgery #7. This should be a minor one as they are just repairing an incisional hernia. My stomach has been cut open so many times that my connective tissue is not doing it's job and I am herniated from my ribcage to about 3-4 inches below my belly button. The gap in my abdominal wall is about 4 inches wide in two places, so my insides are all bulging out. It's pretty disgusting. They will be doing it laporoscopically as they don't dare open me up again, and this time they are putting in mesh. Biggest concerns: the mesh has to pass through my pacemaker wires, which could damage my pacemaker; my body could potentially reject the mesh; I really don't do well with anethsesia. So please pray for a quick and proper healing, won't you.

When this surgery is over, I will continue working with my internist who believes there is a larger neuropathy issue that we are dealing with as more than my stomach is failing to work properly. I will be starting a trial on an Alzheimer's drug with the hope that it will re-establish some of the nerve connections between my brain and digestive track. I will also be following up with a cardiologist as there are some potential issues there.

As I mentioned, it's been an adventure. There are days when I wish it would all go away and I would just feel well. I miss my energy. I can't remember what it is like to have a day without pain and nausea. But I can also say that everything I have been through has served a purpose. I used to get busy running from one task to the next but now I slow down and enjoy the journey. I used to be bothered by details. Now I look more at the big picture. I have learned to recognize the blessings in my life, from the hubby who irons my shirts and starts my car in the morning to the hundreds of little blessings my children bring into my life each day. Before I would have been frustrated by yogurt fingerprints on my trousers before I left for work. Now, I wipe them away the best I can then smile about them all day long because I have a very sweet baby girl who felt the need to love on me before I left for school. My biggest lesson: I've learned to "Let Go, and Let God". For a former control-freak, it's a pretty big step but I now realize that only God is in control, and the world is better that way. I still have lessons to learn, but I'm getting there. Fortunately, my Heavenly Father is a patient one.

For my blogging friends and prayer warriors, thank you for your support. It means more to me than you will ever know. Along with praying for my health, would you please pray for Todd and the kids for peace and rest and strength. This process has been so hard on all of them.

I love you all, and pray for God's blessings in your lives too!

XOXO, Dawna

From an email I received....

2009-01-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

Invisible Mother......

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously, not. No one can see if I'm on the phone or cooking or sweeping the floor or even standing on my head in the corner because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England .! . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the ins! ide of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

Goodbye 2008

2008-12-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

I can't believe another year has passed. It seems like the older I get, the faster time goes and this year has been no exception. This week I've heard many of my friends say that they want this year to be over and to start fresh. I understand the desire to move on, but it also makes me sad to see some of them so unhappy with where they are in life. I'm learning (sometimes rather slowly), that it is important to choose joy in life, to enjoy each moment as it comes, to find the blessings and happiness even during trying circumstances, and to enjoy the journey rather than being so focused on the destination.

Here are some of the blessings and moments of happiness in our lives this year:

*Emma's 1st steps (1/4/08, at age 9 months, 1 day... exactly the same as her older sis :-) )

*Todd and Emma helping me chaperone our state conference, where 6 of my students qualified for nationals and everyone had an amazing time

*Emma's 1st birthday (celebrated in the rec room of the assisted living facility so her great-grandparents could attend)- turns out she prefers Cheerios to birthday cake...

*Rachel and Connor's 1st Karate tournament, with both bringing home trophies (of course, the best part for me was watching their self-confidence grow exponentially)

*Rachel and Connor learning how to swim. Turns out we have a couple of little fishies in our family!

*Our family garden, which provided us with the best carrots, sugar snap peas, green beans and cucumbers ever. I loved watching the kids nurture their little plants.

*Puppies!!!

*Summer Vacation!!! Three whole months with everyone home, what a blessing!!!

*Emma winning the Prettiest Baby Contest (and lots of amazing prizes) at the Fair! :-)

*Business Conclave- I received a national scholarship to attend this conference in June, and picked up a lot of great ideas and skills to use in my classroom and personal life. http://www.deca.org/pdf/Nov08Adv.pdf

*My wonderful mother-daughter day with Rachel on her 9th birthday

*My first year of blogging

*All of the wonderful friends I've made through blogging. My life feels so much richer for having you in it (special hugs to Chelle, Katie, Jacy, Wendi, Amanda, Fairlight, Aminta, Leslie, and Donna. I love you all so much!!)

*Water aerobics this summer, and the wonderful new friends I made (Amy, Stacy, and Cindy)

*Celebrating 15 years of marriage to the man of my dreams and being more in love today than we were on the day we said our vows

*Pulling off a very cool blogging baby shower for Leslie- so much fun, and so many amazingly creative ladies to work with!!!

*My pacemaker - even though it's not working optimally yet, I am still grateful to have had access to the technology and doctors, and we're still hopeful for improvement.

*Granny recovering from the loss of her leg and preparing to move back home. I'm so grateful that we still have her in our lives!!

*During my 7 weeks off school to have and recover from surgery, I had the support of the world's best substitute teacher, Sara, and several staff members who jumped in and helped chaperone concessions and various functions so I could focus on recovering.

*Domestic Bliss swaps. What a fun excuse to be creative and connect with others (and I love my ornaments from Amanda)... still hoping to get my two other packages from the scrap swap....

*Todd's family, who has provided physical, financial, and emotional support during my two months without a paycheck. I am so grateful to be a part of such a tight-knit and caring family!

*Especially the world's best mother-in-law. I do love that lady!!

*Connor losing his first teeth. He now sports the world's cutest grin! :-) (he lost one top front tooth on 12/23 and the second on 12/30)

*Our handmade Christmas, and spending days sewing projects with Rachel and Connor. Those were seriously two of the best days of the year for me!!

*We had a White Christmas. Hooray for snow! (even though most of it has melted now...)

*Starting a 4-H cooking club with my friend Stacey and watching our girls love working in the kitchen as much as we do.

*Watching Emma's personality develop, along with her vocabulary. She is one very sweet, very opinionated, very smart little girl!

*Discovering the world's best cinnamon roll recipe and sharing it with people I love for the holidays.

*Listening to Rachel and Connor play piano.

*Watching Todd with the kids. He is seriously the best dad and husband in the world!! He cooks, he cleans, he decorates, he plays with the kids, he helps with homework, and he builds marshmallow shooters and amazing play structures. What a guy!!

*We found a new church that we love

*Watching my children grow to be strong, smart, kind, and to love the Lord and just feeling so very, very blessed to have such a wonderful family

There are so many more I could list, but I'll stop there for now. I hope each of you has a wonderful, prosperous, and blessed New Year! See you in 2009!

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

2008-12-13T21:35:00.001-08:00

This is a little random, but here are the highlights and lowlights from the past week or so. I haven't had much time for blogging, so I'm going to try to catch up all at once even though it will definitely sound like I'm rambling. Here goes:

(Remember the picture I posted recently from last year's Christmas concert? Well, this was my attempt to recreate the shot. Emma insisted on playing peek-a-boo, with more hiding than peeking going on. She had the most delicious case of the giggles throughout the whole thing. The shot would have worked if Rachel had covered her ears and Connor had covered his mouth, but as it is I think we won't be using this for the holiday cards. I'm keeping it anyway, just to remember this silly stage Emma is going through.) PS- No, we didn't take her out in the dead of winter with bare feet. She pulled of her shoes and socks half way through the concert and we let her stay that way until time to go home. Really, now, what kind of a mother do you think I am? :-)

*Our 1st snowfall of the season

...and what a snowfall it's been. So far we have over a foot of snow, with another foot expected by the end of this weekend. We don't always get a white Christmas around here, but it looks like we will this year! The kids are having a ball, and I'm enjoying the extra days off school to finish up a few holiday projects.

We've had about 5-6 more inches since these pics were taken, but you get the idea.

*A school Christmas program and a solo

Last week Rachel and Connor had their school Christmas program. In the name of being politically correct they sing both Christmas and Hannukah songs, and they sing in both English and Spanish... although they don't sing any Hannukah songs in Spanish (lol). Despite their efforts, everyone still refers to it as The Christmas Program.

Here's Rachel with her 4th grade class.

And here's Connor singing his solo with the 2nd graders. He sang one of the verses from "I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas". Thank goodness he didn't really fill the sugar bowl with ants... :-) He did a great job, and was very relieved when it was over. (Sorry for the glowing eyes... the lighting is terrible in the commons and my camera isn't very fancy)

*A very scary moment

Last Friday we woke up at 4:30 am with both smoke detectors blaring. It took us a while to clear the smoke and locate the source, but here is what we found:

Apparently we had a small electrical fire (old house = old wiring), but fortunately Todd had updated the outlets so it threw the breaker and the fire didn't spread. We had the fire department come to make sure there wasn't anything going on in the walls while I huddled in the car with the kids at 5 am, and everything checked out ok. The outlet and the cord that was plugged into it are completely melted, the back of our oak entertainment center is black, and we have a lovely soot streak all the way to the ceiling, but fortunately there was no major damage. The scariest part for me is that Rachel's bedroom is on the other side of that wall, and that outlet is about a foot from the head of her bed. Thank you, Jesus, for watching over my family!

*A few fun surprises in the mail

Christmas lovelies from Amanda through the Domestic Bliss Handmade Christmas Swap.

Aren't these the cutest ornaments? The other is green with a red stripe and they make me want to learn to knit!!!

There were also two of these sweet little fabric trees, which now adorn the ends of our mantle, and there was also a wonderful, inspirational book called "Mitten Strings for God". Thanks, Amanda! I love my goodies!

I also received the barrettes for Emma that I won, and Jennifer also kindly tucked in some recipe cards and coupons that she had left over from a Philadelphia House Party. I've hosted House Parties before, too, so I was thrilled. If you haven't ever heard of House Party, you should check it out. They give away awesome goodie packages!

So that's what has been happening in my world. What's going on in your world?

So Happy for You, Chelle!

2008-12-09T22:49:00.000-08:00

Wanna see the cutest baby ultrasound pics ever? Drop by my friend Chelle's blog and meet the newest member of their sweet family and find out some wonderful news.

Congratulations, Chelle and David and Big Sister Annabelle. I am so happy for you all!!!

I can't believe I won something!

2008-12-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

I dropped by Sew Mama, Sew's giveaway day blog last week and found that there were oodles (yeah, it's a technical math term... lol... maybe that's why I don't teach math anymore) of folks giving away beautiful hand-crafted items. I didn't have the time (or energy, to be honest) to sign up for all of them, but I put my name in the hat for a few of the items that caught my eye.

Yesterday morning I checked my email and found out... Surprise... I won these cute little hair clips for Emma made by Jennifer at As I Say and Do. Jennifer is super nice and is making the clips specially for Emma according to our color preferences. She's even customizing the packaging with Emma's name and she offered to gift wrap them (although I declined that service since I want to peek at them first). How cool is that?!

It was a great way to kick off our weekend, and we followed it up by heading to Michael's Craft Store where the older kids did Santa's workshop crafts for a couple of hours while Em and I wandered the store (Todd was off having his own wonderful day fishing with his cousin and a couple of buddies). When we finally got home, I actually finished up a sewing project... yes, I said finished... while Emma took a good nap and the older kids played peacefully with each other. Todd came home much later than expected, but happy. I think he needed a day away from kids and housework. We spent the evening hanging out together baking sugar cookies (ok, mostly they just ate the dough) and just enjoying each others' company. All in all I would have to say it was one of the best days we've had in a while. I just wish I'd grabbed my camera to capture a few moments, although at the time nothing really grabbed me as photo-worthy. That's how life slips away, isn't it. Some of the best moments are completely ordinary, and you don't realize how wonderful they were until they are gone.

Speaking of which, I came across this picture of Emma from this time last year. I can't believe how much she's grown and changed. I promise I'll take some pictures of the kids with the tree this week and post a new photo soon. I'm afraid I'll blink and she'll be in college and the others will be grown and married, so I need to do a better job of documenting these precious memories. Life is good, isn't it.

The Real Photos

2008-12-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not terribly impressed. Not to be unkind to the photographer (I hope she never reads this), but they seem flat and uninspired. Maybe it was just her subjects... :-) Without further ado, here are the proofs from our photo shoot. (On the bright side, I am making plans to meet up with Leslie in April and have a family photo shoot with her. You KNOW those pictures will be wonderful!)

I think I may just use my snapshot of the kids for our holiday cards. What do you think?

Family Photo Day

2008-11-22T16:07:00.001-08:00

We had planned to have family photos taken last week, but decided to wait until this weekend instead. Emma took an extra long nap this morning and then ate a good lunch, we had plenty of time to get the kids bathed and dressed, and the kids were all in a good mood and hamming it up at home before we left. It looked like conditions were optimal for good pictures.

When we arrived at the studio, Emma completely freaked out. We're headed down in about an hour to see our proofs but I'm not expecting to see our best pictures ever. We did manage to get two family poses with Emma at least looking at the camera and not bawling, and we were able to get a picture of the boys (Todd and Connor, that is) and one of the girls. In the last picture of the three of us girls, Emma was leaning far enough away from my shoulder that the photographer was able to zoom in on her so it will look like it was a picture of her alone.

I'm hoping we'll have at least one good shot for her baby book, but I'm not expecting it to be like her one-year photos which were taken in April:

Oh well. At least this stage of our lives is duly recorded. All three of my children went through this shy phase, and I know from experience it won't last forever. On the bright side, I got lots of extra cuddles from Emma as she clung to me for dear life and buried her face in my shoulder. And I enjoyed watching my husband do everything in his power to make her smile, regardless of who was watching or how silly he looked. That man of mine is quite a guy!

Just Have to Share...

2008-11-12T22:51:00.001-08:00

A moment in our lives:

Every year, my children's elementary school hosts a Dad's Cake Bake. Dads and kids are supposed to work together to bake a cake. On the night of the cake bake, they enter their cakes which are judged by a panel of school board members and district administrators, prizes are awarded, and then the cakes are auctioned off. It is a very good fundraiser for our school.

Every year, the same kids win: the principal's daughter, two teachers' kids, one kid whose mom is on the cake bake committee. Last year one of the winner's cakes was a store bought cake with a picture of the school mascot glued to a popsicle stick and stuck in the middle of the cake. It won "Best Theme Cake" over Todd's elaborate cake of the school mascot that he and the kids worked on for two days. But I'm not bitter. :-)

Anyway, the Cake Bake has become something of a running joke around here, so this year Todd decided to take a less serious approach to the project. The theme this year was "Celebrating 50 Years of the Dad's Cake Bake". Accompanying our cake was a story board with the following pictures. I'll let the pictures tell the story:

Here's a pic of the kids at the Cake Bake with their entry:

We heard a lot of people laughing and commenting on our entry before the festivities started, but we had no idea how the judging panel would like our cake. The first award they gave was for Most Humorous, and it went to a SpongeBob cake. Seriously. Todd was a little disappointed. Best Theme Cake was next, and it went to a cake with a racetrack. Seriously. (If you're wondering how to celebrate your parents'/grandparents' 50th anniversary, now you know.) Most Elaborate went to a castle cake, and I'm pretty sure none of the winners were made by Dads. Just saying....

Oh yeah. I almost forgot to tell you the ending to the story. As Todd and the kids were high-fiving each other for having a cake that the crowd liked, even though the judges didn't, they announced the award for Most Scrumptious. We were surprised when they announced our cake as the winner. Seriously? Seriously. I don't get it, unless the judges have a sense of humor too. We won the Most Scrumptious award with a store-bought cake and pictures of a disastrous baking spree and wrecked cake, after all. What a night! Some times I think I live in a crazy world!

Here's a picture of Todd and the kids with their ribbon:In other news, 19 month old Emma has decided that she wants to use the potty. She has been practicing sitting on the potty for a few weeks and she pats her diaper right before or right after she goes so she seems to know what it's about. As of Monday she has finally figured out what to do on the potty -- Hooray for Emma!! Of course she now runs around half-naked all day, but it's all good. The other two were around two when they trained, but I think she's a little earlier because she wants to do what the big kids are doing. Works for me!

PS- Don't ask why her potty is in her bedroom instead of the bathroom, because I don't know. She decided to move it there Sunday night, but it seems to be working for her so I'm not questioning it. I think it might have something to do with the availability of reading material nearby......

The Slowest Tag Player Ever!

2008-11-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

This was last year's Christmas card photo, which I snapped at the kid's holiday program at school. Why post it now, you ask? Well, because one of the prizes Emma won at the Prettiest Baby Contest at the fair was a sitting and portrait package at a local studio and we're going there this weekend to have this year's Christmas card photo taken professionally. Emma has recently gone from waving and smiling at everyone to bursting into tears if anyone looks at her, so we're anticipating a long, painful photo session. Wish us luck!

**********

I was tagged by my darling friend KT a while back, but I am just now getting around to playing. I really didn't forget you! I was actually tagged twice, so here goes:

The first game calls for 6 random things about myself. Only six? That will scarcely scratch the surface of my randomness, but here are a few facts:

1. I am the second of five children. My older brother is 2 years older than me, I am 7 years older than my younger brothers (identical twins), and 8 years older than my sister. When my mom went to the hospital to have my sister (we didn't know the gender yet), I was dropped off at my grandparents' house to stay for a week. I refused to unpack my suitcase because "if it's another boy, I'm running away." At least I was a practical child. Why unpack just to pack again. :-)

2. I am gravitationally challenged. My husband says he has never seen anyone else fall off a sidewalk while standing still. Well, until our older daughter came along, that is. (Some genetic gifts I would rather keep to myself.)

3. Someday I want to write a book. My first book will probably be a children's book, after that... well, we'll see.

4. I ran varsity track at a Division I school in college. I ran the 400m and the 400m Hurdles. Never would have guessed that one, would you? Now I get winded just tying my shoes. :-)

5. I hold a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration (marketing, management, and almost accounting... but I dropped the accounting at the end of my jr year. Tax accounting... Yuk!). I hold a Master of Teacher Education degree, with endorsements in Basic and Advanced Mathematics, Marketing, and Career and Technical Education. I sound smarter on paper than I am in real life. Sometimes I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and if I ever decide I don't love teaching anymore I will probably change careers without a second thought.

6. When I get stressed out, I bake. And bake. And bake. No matter how tired I am, when life is rough I make cookies and brownies and cinnamon rolls and pies and bread and whatever else comes to mind. It keeps my mind and my hands busy, and it keeps the family happy. I baked cookies 4 times last week. And made two pies. It's almost midnight, but I'm considering staying up to throw together cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Hmmm. Not good.

I'm going to hold off for now on tagging anyone else, because most of my blogging friends have already played. But I hereby reserve the right to randomly tag whenever the mood strikes.

Game number two requires me to pull up the fourth photo in the fourth album on my computer. Here's what I found:

This was taken about 3 years ago (yeah, time to archive photos I suppose). Rachel was 6 and Connor was 4 and they were snuggled together in her bed before bedtime and she was reading to him from a Junie B. Jones book. I am happy to say that we still have plenty of moments like these, and the two of them are pretty good buddies. Rachel is currently working her way through the 'Hank the Cowdog' series, but she's getting bored. Unfortunately, our school district uses the AR reading system which dictates what books kids can read and Rachel has read most of the books in her level at her school library. Both kiddos are reading about 2 grade levels above their academic grade. We have seriously considered home schooling (is that bad for a public school teacher to admit?), but Todd's not comfortable schooling the kids and with his arms torn up (permanently) I need to keep my job to pay the bills. So for now they are in public school, and we do lots of extra stuff at home.

That's it for now. I have tomorrow off for Veteran's Day, so I may even post two days in a row! Or maybe I'll bake some cookies. And pumpkin bread. And a carmel pecan apple pie. I can't eat any of it, but the kids will be happy. Goodnight, everyone!

A Day in the Life of...

2008-10-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

This is what I'm looking at right now (except for the blacked out faces of course). It's 8:24 pm. I've been at school since 7:20 am, taught my classes, met with administrators about a major discipline issue, scrambled around trying to get things ready for our grand reopening of our student store on Monday (the grand reopening usually happens the first week of school, but this is the best I could manage this year since I haven't been here), and now I am supervising concessions for a college basketball game which is being held in our high school gym. I have a good crew of kids working, so lazy 'ol me came back to my classroom to catch up on paperwork and via the magic of digital technology, six carefully placed cameras, and some handy-dandy security software I am able to keep an eye on my students from the relative comfort of my desk.

If things go well I'll get ahead on lesson plans, duck in to help the kids clean up, and be on my way home by 9:30 or 10 am. Of course, I haven't seen my own children or husband since 7:15 am and my kids will be in bed when I get home, but at least there is no lingering question in my mind about whether I am actually back to work now. Unfortunately the 15 hour days are routine during concessions season and once our high school basketball season starts it will be like this 2-4 days/wk, but this is our last game for a few weeks so I'll still have time to ease into things. It's a good thing I like my job! Of course, if any of you want to sub for me sometime.........

Smiles

2008-10-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

Just finished my downer post and don't want to leave it there, so here are a few things making me smile:

*Emma learning her animal sounds. My other kids learned dog and cat first. Emma is her own person though, and the first animal sound she mastered was an elephant, complete with her arm raising in the air like a trunk. I especially love the little circle her mouth makes when she makes a moo-ing sound like a cow. I love that little girl!

*Connor is loving, loving, loving piano lessons and can't wait to get there each week. His teacher is over the moon happy with his progress and says he is a natural and she is amazed at the way he shows up ready to learn and absorb. I love the way he smiles and can't wait to practice every chance he gets.

*Connor just lost his first two teeth (bottom center) and has the sweetest little jack-o-lantern smile. He still promises me that he is "always and forever" my boy. I love my little man in the middle!

*Rachel spent the whole weekend baking with me. We made pumpkin cookies and molasses crinkles for the nursing home, caramel-pecan apple pies for Grandpa, chocolate chip cookies for Daddy, and pumpkin bread for us. We seem to have our best talks while we are covered in flour and I love her eagerness to learn and her pride in her creations.

*Rachel is most possibly the best big sister in the world, especially considering the almost-8-year gap between the girls. She is helpful, but also makes sure Emma is having fun. She loves to read with her sister, and play hide-and-seek. It is so cute to watch Em search all over the house until she finds Rachel, usually shouting "Sis!!!" at the top of her lungs, and then watching them collapse together into a tangled-up pile of giggles once Emma finds her. I am amazed at her patience with the baby. I love that girl!

*I have a husband who rubs my back every night spends all day on the phone calling doctors and insurance companies, just so that I am taken care of and don't have to deal with the stress. I love that man!

*I have the world's best mil, who helps with my kids and shops for groceries and calls 15 times a day to see how I'm feeling and offer more help and who would call the doctors herself (and give them a big piece of her mind) if I would let her.

*My Granny is doing so much better than we expected at this point.

*I have the best group of students (all 240-ish of them) that I've had in 7 years of teaching. And my sub made it super easy for me to step back in and take over.

*My dear friend Chelle, mother to the most adorable child I have ever seen, is pregnant and that makes me smile every day!

*My dear friend Leslie just brought home a beautiful, healthy baby boy!

*I have met many wonderful ladies through blogging, and I know several of them are praying for my health and sending hugs when I need them most.

*I am blessed in so many ways and I know that God has a plan for me.

*Even when I have a very grumpy day like today, I can still see blessings all around me. (Please don't commend me for my great attitude because I don't really have one. I would just have to be blind to not notice all of the wonderful things in front of me.)

*I am loved.

Hmmm....

2008-10-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

Remember the roller coaster ride I told you we've been on? Yeah. Ummm. .... Whee? I think I'm at the point on the ride where it feels like my elephant ears and cotton candy are going to be coming back to haunt me.

Up: Went back to work. Love my classes. Very warm reception from my co-workers makes me feel cherished and loved and valued and all that good stuff.

Down: Lasted 5 days at work before I ended up in the emergency room. As the last kids of the day were on their way out the door, I found myself on my knees on the floor. When my coworker came by a few minutes later, I had made it to my feet but I was doubled over my desk sobbing in pain.

Up: our local ER was staffed with people both kind and somewhat efficient. A big change from my last trip there.

Down: the ER dr. took one look at my chart (before even looking and me) and said "Um. I'll warn you now that I'll probably be able to tell you what is NOT wrong with you, but I don't think I'll be able to tell you what is actually wrong with you."

Up: He was right. (I'm not sure that is truly an "up", but work with me here.)

Down: Two more (unpaid) days off work waiting for answers from one of my regular doctors, only to find out... nothing.

Up: Got my paycheck for the month.

Down: Opened it. I'm pretty sure I made more at my part-time job in high school, and I'm not even kidding.

Up: Back to work again and made it through the whole day.

Down: I never thought I'd be able to call someone "my surgeon", and now I have three.

Up: Had a good meeting with my student leadership team tonight. They are such good kids!

Down: Not feeling great.

Up: I found out tonight that Granny will be moving to a nursing home here in town tomorrow. We've been waiting for this news for a month, as she is currently about an hour away. She has also learned how to transfer herself from her bed to her wheelchair. I love that dear, stubborn lady!

Loopety-Loop: My general practioner doesn't want anything to do with me. My specialist in Seattle doesn't want to see me because he doesn't think the problem is with my pacemaker. My "local" surgeon (only 30 miles away), is washing his hands of me. He won't even let the rep from the pacemaker company see me in his office to adjust my voltage. His answer for everything, including two potential problems that would require another stinkin' surgery: take Prilosec. Um, not a dr here, but I don't think that will fix either problem. The specialist in Seattle doesn't think it will either and is insisting I need to see someone right away.

And the big drop: I don't have a doctor.

Don't you just love roller coasters?

Oh, and just to add to the mix, our beagle lost her litter of pups over the weekend. We woke up Sat a.m. to a bloody kennel and bloody dog, spent the morning at the vet, and I "slept" on the couch by the kennel the rest of the weekend waiting for her to pass the last pup. The kids are devastated. The dog is miserable. I feel rotten, but I'm thankful the dog is still alive.

Just one last thought: God is good! This is a tough season for our family, but we have been surrounded by more love and support from family and friends than at any other time in our lives. I know there is a plan I can't see, and I know we'll be fine. Thanks for coming along for the ride (and watch where you step because the circus is in town, too!) :-)

PS- In the picture, I'm actually on a school bus with Rachel. So technically it's not a roller coaster, but if you've ever spent three hours on a school bus full of fourth graders, you'll definitely get the analogy. And the need for air freshener....

Home Again

2008-10-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

A trip to the pumpkin patch

With Cousin Blake on Puget Sound

Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium

Hangin' Out at the Zoo

(and Connor wasn't being grumpy... I'm not sure what was up with his scowl....)

Emma and her very large, furry friend Sophie

I guess life is back to "normal" now, whatever that means. I had my checkup in Seattle last Tuesday. My pacemaker is functioning correctly but not doing anything whatsoever to help me, so they increased the voltage by 50% and I'll need to go in every month to get it adjusted until it starts to work.

I still feel pretty rotten, but I returned to work on Thursday. I don't really feel ready to be back full time yet, but my disability insurance has turned down my claim on the grounds that my condition is related to a pre-existing condition, which means no paycheck this month and a short one for next month. We're still appealing the other insurance denial for the procedure itself, but just for fun the hospital sent me the bill for $29,815 the other day. Ouch! Since my income is our only source... time to go back to work.

On the bright side, it was nice to see my coworkers and returning students, and my new classes seem pretty nice.

The day after we returned from Seattle we took all three kids to the pediatrician. All three have bronchitis and Rachel has an ear infection. I currently have three bottles of Zithromax lined up on my kitchen counter, and color coded medicine droppers for each kid. They've been troopers about everything, but Rachel was pretty upset about missing an entire week of school. Everyone seems to be on the mend, except Emma who has a horrible sounding cough. The night we came home from Seattle I nearly took her to the ER because she was having trouble breathing. I hate it when my babies are sick!

Other than sick kids, I guess we are getting back to normal. Connor even got a haircut... finally! I have a feeling that my blogging time is going to be limited from now on. (Deep sigh) I'll still check in on my friends, I'm just not sure how often I'll be posting or even leaving comments. Don't forget me, okay?

Happy Birthday, Chelle!

2008-10-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

A little greeting for someone special...

The Scars of Life

2008-10-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

I received this story in an email from my sil and thought it was worth sharing.

The Scars of Life

'Love is when God became man.'

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal and, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in an effort to hang onto the son he loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs, and with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.'
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let you go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her life and what they are going through.

Never judge another person's scars, because you don't know how they got them.

Busy, busy, busy...

2008-10-07T14:15:00.001-07:00

My time off work is winding down, so in between bouts of not feeling well I have been trying to get as many things accomplished as humanly possible. Here are a few of the things I've been doing:

*Working with dear friends to throw an awesome 'bloggity baby shower' for our friend Leslie. If you haven't stopped by to check it out yet, click here.

*Spending time with my sweet Granny. She may look frail, but don't let her fool you. She's one tough lady!

*Spending time at Granny's house picking these

and these

and using them to make these and more.

So far I've made grape juice and grape jelly, apple juice, applesauce, apple butter, apple donuts, country apple squares (pictured above, a cross between a cheesecake and apple pie... trust me, it's much better than it sounds) and I'm working on putting apple pies in the freezer (double crust apple pies for my dad, dutch apple pies, and ... my favorite... carmel pecan apple pies).

*Rachel and I have been spending a lot of time in the kitchen together lately. She made these all by herself

and together we made these (chocolate chip hazelnut scones... yum!)

and these (I forgot to take a picture after they rose and were baked and frosted, but trust me... they were good!)

*Our family loves Legos, so we've spent a lot of family time building together. This amazing creation is something Connor designed and built all by himself

*The weather has been perfect for playing outside, so Todd built everyone marshmallow shooters and we spent lots of time doing this (he even builds extras so the kids' friends can have their own to play with/take home. What a great dad!)

*I've been trying to finish a few sewing/craft projects. My latest was a purse and wallet to fill with birthday money and girly goodies for a little friend who will be celebrating her 8th birthday on Friday (the picture doesn't show off my carefully constructed pleats and darts and fancy stitching, embellishments, etc. For not having a pattern to work from, I think they turned out pretty well.)

*And, last but not least, I've been trying to sneak in as much family time as possible

Showers of Blessing

2008-10-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love most about blogging is meeting new people. Over the past several months I've met many new friends and as we've talked back and forth and had a chance to know each others' hearts, I feel like I've gained new sisters.

One of these dear friends is Leslie. Leslie is an amazing woman, wife, mother, photographer, and friend. She has a daughter, Rylan, who is about Emma's age and is expecting her second child, Cade, any moment now. She has had a difficult pregnancy, but throughout it all she has taught us the definition of grace and joy by example. If you read her blog, you will notice in her comment section that there are a lot of ladies out there whose lives have been touched by Leslie.

With that in mind, several of us came up with the idea of hosting a "bloggity baby shower" for Leslie... and guess what? It's today and you're invited!

What's a bloggity baby shower, you ask? Well, to tell you the truth, we didn't know when we came up with the idea and we made stuff up as we went along. But if you want my opinion, I think it turned out pretty amazing. Leslie's IRL friend, Susan, will be dropping by Leslie's house with treats and our gifts, we will be making the shower blog public for everyone (including Leslie) to visit, and we will be hosting shower games (yes, there will be prizes... Good Ones!) on the shower blog.

So take a moment to click on the button below and drop by to wish Leslie and Cade well.

Leslie- Thank you for all of the ways you have blessed me. I hope this shower blesses you! Love you much, dear friend!

A Baby Word Poem for Leslie

2008-10-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

Waiting and praying
for someone so sweet,
Two tiny hands
and two tiny feet.

Eager to meet you
our mini-man Cade,
Over the weeks
so many have prayed.

When you are here
for all to adore,
You will complete
a perfect family of four.

Big Sister Rylan,
so spunky and sweet,
Is waiting for her brother, s
o eager to meet.

A blessing, a miracle,
a bundle of love.
A perfect, sweet angel
sent from heaven above.

The Backyard Swing

2008-09-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

Some of my fondest childhood memories involve a backyard swing. I remember swinging at my own home with my siblings, at Granny and Grandpa's house, at Grandma and Grandpa's house, at my cousins' and friends' houses. Everyone had a swingset.

I always loved the feeling of pushing up, up toward the sky with my feet stretched out in front of me to touch the clouds and my toes pointed to get just a little more height. What a glorious feeling! But everytime I went up, I would have to come back down. On the way up the whole world was in front of me, but on the way down I couldn't see where I was going and I would have to trust that the path was clear. The higher I went up, the farther I would have to come back down. Coming down wasn't nearly as much fun, but I just considered it part of the work of going even higher on the next trip up.

That seems to be where life is right now. With Granny, Todd's Poppa and Gramma, even my own health. I feel like I have been on the swing way too long; first we go up and things are very good, and then suddenly we're back down again and the path is dark and unclear. Of course, no matter what is going on there are things to be joyful about... especially my three wonderful kiddos and the husband I adore... but sometimes I wish we could just settle into a nice comfortable holding pattern for a while.

At this moment I would say we're half way between up and down. All of the grandparents made it through the weekend. Todd's Poppa is on new medication for his Alzheimer's which is keeping him from being aggressive, but it also leaves him in a pretty non-responsive state. Poppa has always been a storyteller, so it breaks our hearts to see him this way. He is going to need to be moved out of the assisted living facility soon because of his advancing state of Alzheimer's, but it's very difficult to find a place where we can keep him with his wife.

Todd, Emma, and I ran up to see Granny this morning. Today is her 88th birthday and we decided to surprise her. We actually had a wonderful visit. Her mind was the clearest it's been since her surgery and she was well enough to sit up in her wheelchair and go for a walk with us around the grounds. Emma was so very sweet with her. She has always adored Granny. Every few minutes, Emma would walk up to Granny and lean over and give her a love. When I was sitting next to Granny, Emma climbed up on my lap and kept leaning over to wrap her arms around Granny's neck and give her little pats and kiss her on the cheek.

I made Granny and caddy for her wheelchair and a matching fleece-lined lap blanket, but I think Emma's hugs and kisses and attention were by far the best gift for her. (Just for the record, Rachel chose the fabric out of the box Granny had given me. Not what I would have chosen, but it will match her burgandy wheelchair nicely.)I didn't even think to grab my camera this morning, but I do wish I had a picture of Emma perched on Granny's lap and pointing out all of the fish in the aquarium. I was worried that Emma would hurt Granny's leg, but Granny assured me that she was fine and would love to have the chance to hold Emma for a while. I don't have words to describe how sweet the two of them were sitting with their heads together and talking. Precious, precious memory!

2008-09-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

The hospital just called. Granny's heartrate spiked to over 200. It's back down now but they wanted to know what our wishes were for pursing lifesaving measures. I don't know what to do now. Do I drive an hour and sit by her bedside all night? Do I wait for another call... a worse call? I don't know what to do.

And When it Pours...

2008-09-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

a)you get wet, b)you have an excuse to wear cute rainboots, c)the love rains down.

Since I wrote my last post I have received so many comments and emails from you dear ladies expressing your love and support. Each of them made me cry, not because I'm sad or stressed out... all though there is certainly a little of that in my heart right now, but because I felt so cared for. You ladies are such a blessing in my life and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to express your kindness to me. I felt God's presence through your presence yesterday. I could literally feel your prayers and support throughout the day and it meant so much to me.

Here's the update:

Poppa: the doctors determined that he had a heart attack, and they believe he is bleeding internally although they couldn't locate the bleed. Poppa has been living with prostate cancer for years and he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about this time last year. In the past few weeks we have seen a dramatic decline in his cognitive ability and overall health, and the doctors have determined that there is nothing more they can do. If he stops breathing again, we are to let it run its course.

Todd's Grandma, in the meantime, has her own issues. Her macular degeneration has been causing her to lose her vision for several years, and she is now almost completely blind. She has had a very slow-progressing form of leukemia for several years and she has major issues with her blood. She is also in congestive heart failure. She is receiving hospice care to keep her comfortable.

Granny: I had a wonderful visit with Granny yesterday. When I walked in the room she had a huge smile on her face and she said "I didn't expect to see you here!" She knew me!!! She is currently stable, although she is still very sick. We had some wonderful moments when she was coherent, and we had moments when she was very confused and not making sense. I brought her a bouquet of peonies and we talked about her garden. We talked about the kids. She knew me!! I don't know how much longer we'll have Granny with us, but it was so nice to sit and hold her hand and talk and tell her how much she means to me. And yes, Chelle, I gave her a hug and kiss from you and told her it was from my dear friend who is praying for her.

Todd and I moved home 15 years ago because we recognized that we were blessed to have such wonderful grandparents and we wanted to spend time with them. We have had more good years than we expected and, although we fear we will lose them all within a short time period, we are grateful for the memories we have stored away and the relationship that our children have developed with their great-grandparents.

The van: made it through another day; please pray that it will hold out until I'm back at work with normal paychecks!

The poop: currently under control. And Emma is really such a sweet, sweet girl that who really cares about poop anyway. Even though she managed to get it in her eyebrows. Eeewww.

My CTE Endorsement: The meeting went so much better than I expected. I had my resume, professional growth plan, paperwork packet, and powerpoint presentation ready but I felt like I hadn't prepared enough for the oral presentation. I was nervous before I started speaking, but once I stood up and introduced myself I literally felt like someone wrapped their arms around me and held me up (told you I could feel your prayers!). Everything flowed the way it should and I didn't even have to refer to my notes. The committee accepted my plan as proposed (they could have tacked on a lot of requirements but they added none), and they approved my endorsement. I still have to get through the Teacher Standards and Practices Commission, but I'm done with my part. Now it's just about sending in the paperwork.

Life is still tough and there will be some hard times to come, but we'll get through it because we have friends who care. Thank you.

When it Rains, it Pours

2008-09-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

The last 24 hours have been pretty rough on our family. It seems like when it rains, it pours.

First, Todd's grandfather (Poppa), was found unconscious and taken to the hospital. He was severely anemic, so they gave him a blood transfusion (3 bags!) and sent him home.

Next, my mom called to give me an update on Granny and I could hear Granny in the background moaning and calling out. I knew something wasn't right and urged my mom to get her to the hospital. When I called back an hour later, nothing had changed and the rehab facility staff hadn't done anything to help. My doctor still hasn't cleared me to visit because of the MRSA, but I decided to go anyway (which means my husband and his family are all mad at me). When I got there, she was in very bad shape and wasn't conscious enough to know who I was. I asked the nurse to call the doctor, but she didn't want to. I finally persuaded her to make the call and get her to the hospital.

When the EMTs arrived and checked her out, we were told that her pattern of breathing was an indicator of imminent death. Those are hard words to hear. They took her to the nearest hospital and one of the first things they did was give her a drug to reverse the effects of a narcotics overdose, which immediately improved her condition. Apparently the nursing home staff had been giving her too much pain medication. They ran a bunch of tests and found that she has a very bad infection which has worked its way into her bloodstream. She was also very dehydrated and her electrolytes are out of balance. She is very, very sick but they stabilized her and sent her to another hospital. I'm headed up there as soon as my brother gets here to pick me up. I got home a little after 1 a.m. and got very little sleep, so I'm not looking forward to the trip, although I am anxious to see Granny.

This morning we got another call that Todd's Poppa had fallen and stopped breathing. We've already been to the ER at the local hospital to visit him this morning. They think he is bleeding internally, but there is really nothing they can do about it.

On top of all that, I have to give a presentation to a community appraisal board this evening to get my CTE (career and technical education) endorsement added to my teaching license, which is up for renewal soon. I still have to finish updating my resume and finish organizing my oral presentation. I think I have everything else finished, but I'm having trouble focusing on it all today. I wish I could reschedule, but that's not an option.

Oh, and did I mention that the transmission in the van is going out, and Emma just pooped clear up her back and front.

I think it is going to be a very long day. (Please pardon my whining.)

Bad Medicine

2008-09-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

One of my coworkers had to see the doctor because he was having a bit of stomach trouble. The doctor gave him a prescription to help with the problem.

A week later, my coworker went back for a check-up and the doctor asked if the prescription seemed to be working. "Yes", my coworker replied, "but they're hard to take because they're so waxy."

"Excuse me", said the doctor. "What do you mean they're waxy?"

"Well", replied my coworker, "no matter how much water I drink they are difficult to swallow. They seem to have a waxy coating."

"You do realize that they are suppositories?" came the reply

!!!!!!!!

My first thought: Didn't you read the directions?
My second thought: Why would you ever share that story?

The man is very dear, but not big on common sense. So, with all due apologies for laughing at/with him, I had to share this story with you. I hope it makes you smile today, too.

Hoopla, Pooh Bear, and other forms of Love

2008-09-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing, all the ways that love can present itself?! One of the true joys in my life is watching my hubby interact with our children. He is tender and loving, strong, and he has a way of making the mundane tasks in life seem like the most fun a kid can have. Example: a phenomenon we call "Hoopla". We're not sure where the name came from, it just became part of our family traditions somehow. Here's what Hoopla looks like:

Daddy makes the pancakes, and lets the kids help him flip them. When the pancakes are done, the kids take turns flipping them out of the pan, over their heads, across the room, and onto the plate that Daddy is holding. As they toss the pancake in the air, everyone in the family yells "Hoopla!". Yes, I know we're kinda weird but what can I say... the kids love it!

And then there's Pooh Bear love. Roly-poly, fluff 'n stuff, sweet as hunny love. The kind of love that a 17 month old does best. Emma recently discovered Pooh Bear and she loves to sit on my lap and watch the youtube video for Return to Pooh Corner. My daughter who has refused to use her words up to this point is now spouting phrases like "Hi, Owl" (which sounds like "Hi, Ool"), "there's Pooh Bear", and "It's Bubba" (apparently Christopher Robin reminds her of her big brother). I KNEW she could talk! In the meantime, not only does Pooh Bear get some lovin', but Momma, on who's lap she is perched, gets lots of extra lovin' too. My current favorite is when she leans forward and gives big kisses with a loud "MMMMua!"

Next, there's homecooked love which just happens to be my specialty. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to feed people (a trait I inherited from my Granny and my Mom). Most of all, I love to spend time in the kitchen with my kiddos (which I believe to be at least part of the reason that Rachel is a whiz at fractions). Yesterday Emma and I whipped up a batch of banana muffins together. Ok, to be honest here she mostly hung on my leg and begged to be held... which I gladly did in between each addition of ingredients... but the poor kid is cutting molars so I'll cut her some slack. Anyway, there is definitely a love factor involved in spending time with the kids and creating something together. I also get a lot of my homecooked love back when my husband tells me how much he appreciates my food, when the kids tell me a meal is great, or when Emma devours our banana muffins and "mmm, mmm's" all the way through her snack.

Of course, there is also bloggity love. In the short time I have been blogging, I have made several new and dear friends who I now consider to be my "chosen sisters". One dear friend, Leslie, once commented to me that we blogging friends "get entwined in each others' lives and know each others' hearts". How true that is. It occurred to me last night that one of the reason I love my blogging friends is that they are all that is right with the world. As a public school teacher I see more than my share of dysfunctional families and the heartache they can bring. With my blogging sisters, I see shining examples of God's love and beautiful families who care deeply for each other. When I look at Chelle's blog, or Fairlight's, or Donna's or so many others, I see the person I want to become. My blogging friends are truly lovely!

Did I mention that they are also creative? I recently participated in a swap at Domestic Bliss, and here are the lovely packages I received in the mail. Thank you, ladies, I truly feel loved and spoiled!

And speaking of creative, my blogger friend Amanda is opening an Etsy shop and is celebrating with a little give-away. You can check it out here. Yay, Amanda!

Of course it would take me pages and pages and pages to write about the fierce and wonderful love I have for my husband and he for me, so I'll save that for another day (or maybe keep it close to my heart for myself). Suffice it to say that I am fortunate to be married to the most wonderful, romantic man who shows his love by drawing me baths (complete with candlelight and soft music), preparing special meals, cleaning the bathrooms and keeping my gas tank filled (2 jobs I hate).

So much love in some many ways. Ah, isn't love grand?!

My Vacation

2008-09-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight I took the most lovely trip.

We started in our own home, long ago on the day before Rachel was born. I saw my house as it used to be, before it was filled with toys and tiny clothes, before the latest paint job and decorations, before it was filled with so much love that the walls nearly burst.

From there, we went to the hospital. Throughout the night we talked about our sweet baby and what we thought she would be like and then, with the blink of the lens, she was there. Tiny and sweet and so alert. And I watched myself, a brand-new mother, hold that precious babe like she was the most valuable treasure on earth... because she is. We looked into each others eyes and we knew all the things that mothers and daughters know together. And while I watched myself hold newborn Rachel, my precious 9-year-old Rachel nestled under my arm with her head on my heart and we gave each other a little squeeze.

And then the visitors came. Todd's Aunt Debbie who has played such a big part in our lives, his mom and step-dad, Poppa and Grandma, my parents, Todd's cousins. A short break, then another visitor. This time, my very dear father-in-law, who held that sweet baby and kissed her over and over and you could see the love and pride glowing in his eyes. Rachel and Connor whispered "there's Grampa Jimmy" and we all talked about how special he was and how very much we miss him because Grampa Jimmy passed away five years ago very unexpectedly from a heart attack.

Then, my grandparents were there. Both of them. Granny held Rachel first, and commented that she looked like me. She unwrapped her to peek at her toes. She reached in her purse and pulled out a bag of fresh green beans from her garden... the first of the season... because she knew I would love them. And then Grandpa held sweet baby Rachel and you could tell he had the whole world in his hands. His big old hands wrapped around her so gently and protectively and all was right with the world.

We brought her home and the visitors kept coming. Auntie Bink (my dear baby sister), Todd's sister Nan, my little brothers Jeremiah and Joshua. Nine-year-old Rachel wanted to know who was holding baby Rachel. "Uncle Josh", I replied, surprised that she asked. Rachel confided that she can't tell her uncles apart; she's never told me that before (but they are identical twins and rarely in town at the same time, so I guess that makes sense).

And then it was Thanksgiving and we were at my grandparents house. Rachel was snuggled up with Grandpa, and looking around the house you could tell that we spent a lot of time there. There was a play yard in the corner, but Rachel was never in it because her great-grandparents never put her down long enough. While I set up my grandpa's dialysis, Granny would hold her. Once we had it going, Rachel would settle on Grandpa's lap for stories and songs. The only time I was allowed to hold her was when she was hungry, but I didn't mind. Watching the Thanksgiving scene I was struck by several thoughts. There's my Grandpa and boy, did he love us. There's my Granny, look how healthy and strong she was. My Granny cooking dinner for all of us. My Granny with both of her legs. My grandparents together, the way they always were. And it was so nice to be together with all of them again.

The journey went on, through the first year of Rachel's life, through many changes... most of them good. And even though I never left the comfort of my house, I felt like I had been on the most wonderous journey, visiting a time and people who are very precious to me. Seeing how we all used to be (remembering why I gave away that hideous sweater), remembering how lucky we are to have so much love in our lives and so much to be thankful for. Missing those who are gone, but thankful to get another glimpse of them.

I had forgotten we even had videos until Rachel found this one and asked to watch it. We promised to watch Connor's video tomorrow night. So for now, the restlessness has subsided. My heart is full, I am grateful for the family that I can hold tight, and tomorrow night I get to see my Grandpa again.

Sail Away

2008-09-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Needles and Pins

Needles and pins,
Needles and pins,
Sew me a sail
To catch me the wind.

Sew me a sail
Strong as the gale,
Carpenter, bring out your
Hammers and nails.

Hammers and nails,
Hammers and nails,
Build me a boat
To go chasing the whales.

Chasing the whales,
Sailing the blue,
Find me a captain
And sign me a crew.

Captain and crew,
Captain and crew,
Take me, oh take me
To anywhere new.

-Shel Silverstein from Falling Up

I seem to find myself getting restless these days, probably because I've been at home recovering for two weeks with very few outings. Don't get me wrong, I love to be at home. I love being here in the morning to help with breakfast and getting the big kids ready for school. I love being home to snuggle with Emma and nap along side her during the day. I love having extra time with Todd... alone time, even, when Emma's asleep... to talk about grown-up things and enjoy each other's company. I love being home when the kids get home from school and helping with homework and handing out snacks and talking about their day. I love being home in the evening, with no meetings or activities to chaperone or school errands to run. And I definitely love being home and having time to work on crafts and blog (you ladies have been my lifeline... Thank you!).

In fact, when it comes down to it I know I could be very happy as a SAHM. I did that for two years before Todd got hurt, and I loved every minute of it. But sometimes I still get restless.

This surgery has been harder to recover from than the previous ones. I think it's partially because of the nature of this surgery (implanting a pacemaker) and partially because it's my sixth surgery in two years and my body has simply had enough. Whatever the cause, this time has been a bit rougher. My energy level is down and my pain level is up. I am forcing myself to take it easy and not rush back to work, and I'm letting Todd handle most of the work around the house (which, bless his heart, he does willingly and without complaint... in fact, he insists). Todd has been exceptionally protective of me this time around. He has insisted that I stay home and rest, so I have missed birthday parties and weddings. He is afraid of exposure to illness, so I haven't been able to visit my Granny or his grandparents and we haven't had many visitors. He doesn't want me to get worn out, so he has limited my trips to the grocery store or anywhere else. I know he has my best interests at heart and I hate to complain, but sometimes I still get restless.

Rainbows

2008-09-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing I've learned in my life (especially the past two years) it's that there are things to be thankful for, even during the tough times. Like the fact that I have a dear husband who appreciates the beauty in daily life and does things like running home to grab the camera so he can take a picture of a rainbow to share with me because he knows it will make me happy.

Here are a few more things I am thankful for today:

I am now off both my pain medication and the anti-nausea medication, which means I can function at some level resembling normal.
I received a call today from a co-worker who wants to bring us dinner from our favorite Mexican restaurant. I'm still on a liquid diet, but Todd will be so happy!! I am so blessed to work with so many nice people.
Today they moved Granny from the hospital to a rehab facility. It's still an hour away, but she's on the waiting list for the facility in town and should be back here within a few weeks.
Granny's kidneys are functioning on their own and she won't need dialysis!!!
I have the world's best substitute teacher (and a dear friend of mine) covering my class while I'm recovering and she is keeping my life as stress-free as possible. She knows how my classroom runs and I haven't even had to write out daily lesson plans for her since the first week because she knows where I keep everything and how I do things.
I have a husband who spoils me rotten and takes very good care of our children and our home.
And, of course, I have three miraculous blessings who remind every day of all I have to be thankful for!

Rachel, my fourth grader, bright and witty and so very kind and helpful. She is always quick to help with the baby (especially right now when I can't lift her) or to help her brother with his homework. Stubborn sometimes, but so incredibly loving. This picture of her was taken when I was in the hospital after having Emma. I don't know why I like it, but I think it's because when I see it I see her becoming self-confident and independent. If you knew how shy she was when she was little (and how shy I was as a child), you would understand why I treasure this picture of growth.

Connor, my second grader, sweet, funny, and so very loving and cuddly. Connor is my dreamer, and sometimes I get frustrated because he forgets things but he is very, very bright and has the most wonderful imagination!! He is a whiz at building things with Legos or boards or things he finds in the yard. Connor adores his sisters and loves to snuggle with me and Emma. This picture was taken when he was in kindergarten on his first bus ride (to the pumpkin patch). I love his funny little grin and I always want to hug him when I see this picture.

Emma Grace, now 17 months and such a busy, vivacious girl. Full of energy and charm and a sense of adventure twice as big as she is. When she runs she swings her arms across her body (elbows up and out, so watch out) and her little bottom swivels back and forth and it is so darn cute. Daddy calls her wiggle-bottom. She has a contagious laugh that comes from the bottom of her soul, and a smile that can light up the room. She positively adores her older siblings and her favorite time of day is when she helps pick them up at school. She was a little over a month old when this picture was taken (I wanted to take it sooner but was too sick to do it) and she weighed about 6 lbs at the time. She's my last baby (doctors' choice, not ours) so this picture is very precious to me. I can't believe how fast she's grown.

Life may not be perfect, but it's pretty good!

Update on Granny

2008-09-07T21:45:00.001-07:00

Granny made it through surgery. Thank you so much for the prayers and comforting comments. They removed her leg Saturday, and as of now they are still keeping her heavily sedated. Her vital signs have been relatively good, and they couldn't find any physical damage or blockage in her kidneys so they are hopeful that they might start functioning again. They did find that she has MRSA, so that is another battle to fight. The doctors won't let me visit her because of my open wound and, while I appreciate everyone's concern for my well-being, it is killing me to not be at Granny's side right now. I have always been with her through everything and I am usually the one who advocates for her. I know they are taking good care of her, but I feel so helpless. They also think she'll probably lose the other leg within the year. Please continue praying for her as she has a long, hard road ahead of her.

a plea for prayer

2008-09-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am asking for prayers for my beloved Granny. She will be 88 years young at the end of the month and she has had several health setbacks over the years (strokes, open heart surgery, broken hip, etc) but has always rebounded gracefully. She is a very strong, loving, and inspirational woman. I think so much of the woman that I named my oldest daughter, Rachel, in her honor.

Today we received the sad news that my Granny is going to have to have her leg amputatated. She accepted the news with typical grace, mostly I believe because the pain has become so great. We have also learned that her kidneys are not functioning and they think they will have to place her on dialysis. I performed home hemodialysis for my Grandpa for four years before he passed away and Granny and I both know how hard it was on his body and his emotional being. I can't bear to think of my dear Granny suffering, but I can't bear the thought of losing her, either.

Tonight and throughout this weekend, please pray for Granny's physical healing as well as for peace for her and our immediate family. We know that God's Grace is sufficient to meet our needs always.

Please also keep my friend Leslie in your prayers this weekend. She is an amazing lady who is having a pretty rough time right now.

I have met many new friends through this marvel of blogging... you have become my "chosen sisters". Most of my blogging friends are women of faith, and I am comforted to know that many more than myself will be praying for Granny and Leslie over the next several days.

Happy Anniversary to My Love!

2008-09-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

Although it's hard to believe, today we celebrated 15 years of marriage! Fifteen years of loving and being loved by one of the kindest, funniest, most handsome, handiest, most creative men on this earth. Fifteen years of getting to know each other and finishing each others' sentences, and still managing to surprise each other sometimes. Fifteen years of arguing (fortunately not too often), making up (the best reason for arguing in the first place!), and realizing that we are together no matter what. Happy 15th Anniversary, my Love!

And, while we're on the subject, Happy 15th Anniversary to my friend Stacy and her husband, Corey!

Since I'm still in the early stages of recovering from surgery we didn't get to actually celebrate, but it was a wonderful day anyway. Todd made a trip to the craft store and fabric store for me to get a few things I needed to finish up some projects I'm working on. He thinks that he can keep me down and resting, per doctors orders, if he can find enough craft projects for me.

So today I made Emma this doll, which she loved.

When you turn it around it becomes this doll, which she still loved. She spent hours strolling it around the house in her dolly stroller.

When she wasn't playing with her new dolly, she was doing this... which nearly breaks my heart since I'm not allowed to pick her up for the next six weeks.

I also worked on a project that requires a lot of appliquing and a lot of embroidery. Slow work, but I'm starting to make progress. I'll share that one when it's a little further along.

Todd was busy with a craft project himself. He made this for me for our anniversary, which I love. He mounted it directly on the glass with no matting behind it so the wall color shines through. It is currently hanging next to my front door. Todd also bought new curtains for our big picture window, and put together this little centerpiece for our mantel. I love crafty guys. Well, to be more precise, I love my crafty guy!

And finally, I've had so many IRL friends and family members ask to see my scar, that I decided to post a picture here in case you are curious. Warning: it's ugly. If you are at all squeamish, don't look.

I mean it. Don't scroll down any more if you don't want to see.

I'm not kidding. There is nothing at the bottom of this post but a hideous picture of my incision.

Ok. So you're still scrolling. I guess that means you want to see it. Well, you can't say I didn't warn you. Just be advised that my stomach is still very distended and swollen, although the incision itself and the surrounding bruising look tons better than they did a few days ago. Ok, here it is:

Told you it was ugly. PS- At the bottom of the picture should be the top half of my bellybutton, but with all of the sugeries cutting through there, I don't really have one any more. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss my bellybutton! Go figure. (PPS- that's only the top half of my scar from having Emma/ perf ulcer... just for reference.) Now that you're totally grossed out... have a nice day!

Before surgery...

2008-09-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late with this post, but I didn't want to miss out on journaling what I did the week before surgery. It was a very busy week, but fun too.

1. Hosted a bridal shower for my dear friend, Sammantha

She only invited a small group, but we had such a fun time with our Saturday morning brunch. On the menu: sausage breakfast casserole, homemade cinnamon rolls, fruit, veggies w/ dip, ham and asparagus roll-ups, chicken pasta salad, mudpies, and pavlova. I love cooking for others.

For the centerpiece, I made a towel cake, which the bride got to take home. (Sorry for the messy picture, she had already taken it apart to find the treasures in the middle before I remembered that I hadn't taken a picture so I kind of threw it back together again for a shot.)

On a sad note, I did end up missing the wedding so Samm was short one bridesmaid and one flowergirl. I've never met anyone with a better attitude though; she was so thrilled that the doctors were able to do the surgery that she wasn't upset about my absence. She and the groom even hopped in their limo after the reception and drove 45 miles to stop by and see me the night I came home. She was so very beautiful! Rachel and Connor thought the limo was pretty cool, and the groom took them for a spin around the block in it which made their weekend!

2.) Sent the kids back to school.

Rachel is in 4th grade, Connor is in 2nd grade. So far they are both loving their classes. This year we had to adjust to an hour earlier start time, but I think it works well for our family. Poor little Emma doesn't know what to do with brother and sister gone. She cries and then wanders around looking for them. Sometimes it's hard to be the baby.

3.)

Sorted through a couple of boxes of my Granny's vintage fabric and picked out two big bagfuls to use for various projects. First up, a wheelchair tote for Granny. She just started using a wheelchair last week, and she has requested that I make a tote for the arm of her wheelchair so she can carry a magazine and her wallet, glasses, etc. If anyone has a line on a good pattern for a wheelchair caddy, I would appreciate the info!

My favorite fabric, by far, is the school days print with the black background. I suppose it's the teacher in me....

I figured that now that I have a few weeks off to recover I would be crafting up a storm, but unfortunately my body seems to think that I actually need to recover from surgery. The nerve of it! However, if I ever get past this perpetual need to rest and my inability to focus ... well... just watch me go!

Home

2008-08-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I'm home and made it through surgery fine. I am very sore and very tired, but happy beyond happy to be back home. This metal device they implanted in my abdomen feels very strange but I suppose I'll get used to it eventually. Right now it feels like my body is having spasms around it. I'm hoping that's normal and I'm hoping it will go away over time.

According to my "owner's manual" for my pacemaker, I am now supposed to avoid walking though theft detectors in stores and libraries as they pose one of the bigger risks to my device. How funny is that?

Rachel and Connor were such troopers through this whole ordeal. When we left Tuesday we planned to come home Tuesday night and take them back with us on Wednesday. Instead, they ended up with Gramma until we came home today (Saturday), and they really haven't complained. Emma did extremely well on the trip, especially for a baby confined to doctors' offices, carseats, hotel rooms, and hospital rooms. We all did well considering that we didn't pack to be gone overnight, much less four nights.

Anyway, home is good. Special thanks to everyone who has prayed for my health and our safe travel. Our insurance company has denied our claim so we are currently on the hook for this very expensive but necessary surgery, so please pray for that issue to be resolved as we appeal their ruling. I usually like to include photos in my blog posts, but I don't think anyone really wants to see my belly so I'll spare you all this time!!

PS- Special thanks to my dear friend Chelle and my borrowed niece Annabelle who made my homecoming even sweeter by making sure I had a little package of goodies waiting for me. You two really know how to make a person feel special!

plans change, babies get sick, and I play tag

2008-08-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

I was planning to spend some time updating my blog tonight, but instead I'll only have time to jot a few quick notes as our plans have changed. Tomorrow is the first day of school for students (I've been back for a week) and after school we were to head to Seattle for my medical appointments with a diagnostic procedure scheduled for Weds. morning and surgery on Thursday. This afternoon, however, we found out that my procedure is tomorrow and surgery will be on Weds. Yikes! Fast forward through several hours of lining up my substitute, rewriting lesson plans to accomodate not only the sub but also a handful of technology problems in my classroom, figuring out what to do with our kids who really don't want to miss the first day of school (nor do I want them to miss it), lining up someone to take care of the beagles a day early, and trying to do everything else necessary to rearrange our plans.

Did I mention that Emma started running a fever at 9:00 last night and throwing up and she's still at it?

Please pray for a safe journey for my family (Todd, Emma, and I will drive up in the morning after dropping the kids off and drive back tomorrow night... over 10 hours in the car with a sick baby, poor girl, followed by a repeat trip the following day if surgery is a go) and for the doctors to have the wisdom to do what is right and necessary. And please pray for Emma to recover quickly. Her little forhead is so hot that when I kiss her I feel as though my lips are burning.

And if I could ask a favor of the few of you dear friends who read my blog, my mudpie recipe was selected as a semi-finalist in the contest but the finalists will be chosen by voting. None of my friends at work were able to vote as it treated all of the computers on our server as though they were the same and had already voted. Grrr. Frustrating! I think I'm probably out of the running at this point since I don't have time to resolve the issue or campaign properly, but if you have a chance please swing over to Saucy Eats and vote. Thanks so much... even if I lose, at least I won't look like a complete loser!

Oh, and one more thing. My friend Amy tagged me and I guess I'm supposed to tell you 6 random things about myself.

Here are the rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you
2) Post the rules on your blog (this is what you are now reading)
3) Write 6 random things about yourself (see below)
4) Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5) Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6) Let the tagger know when your entry or post is up.

So, here are my random facts:

I have a cafe-au-lait birthmark on the back of my right hand. I barely notice it now, but as a kid I thought it was ugly and freakish and tried to hide it. Rachel has a similar mark under her chin, and after several discussions about it one of my happiest moments came when she told me that she likes it because it makes her unique ans she wished Emma had one so we girls could all match.
Connor calls me "Frankenbelly" because I have a jaggedy vertical scar that runs from my ribcage all the way down my belly. And I do mean all the way down! (43 staples on the outside and several hundred stitches on the inside, or so I was told). Connor thought the staples were cool.
I love to bake breads and desserts for other people, but I really don't eat them much myself. The more stress I am experiencing, the more I bake. I would be making cinnamon rolls right now if it weren't for the sick baby I'm rocking while typing one-handed. Consequently, my college roommates and their boyfriends all loved me, especially during finals week.
I love it when my husband brushes my hair. Don't know why, but I do.
I am an entrepreneur at heart. I love teaching, but someday I will own my own business.
I believe that text messaging is ruining this generation of kids. I am surprised at how many high school students can't remember how to spell or form complete sentences. Also, I watch them sit and text each other constantly, but when you sit them next to each other in a room they can't think of anything to say to each other. Texting is evil, I tell you, EVIL....

That's it for me. I hereby tag Chelle, Donna, Leslie and I'll have to think of a few more as I don't have many blogging friends yet. I'll also have to leave the comments later as I now need to get some Tylenol into Emma and get to bed. I'll try to update tomorrow when I know what's going on.

My 1st day back at school.

2008-08-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

I. Am. So. Tired.
Too tired, because I feel like crying and I rarely do that.
The most frustrating thing about my health issues is the lack of energy and I was really feeling it around noon today. Please pray for me to get through the rest of this week and the bridal shower I am throwing for my dear friend Samm on Saturday. And for the insurance company to pay for my surgery. And for my husband to not worry about me quite so much.
Do I want too much?

(the apology)

2008-08-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

In my last post I whined about having to go back to school (aka Work). When my children say something unkind to each other, I make them follow up their apology by saying at least three nice things about the person they hurt. I figured if it's good for them, then it should be good for me too so I am following up my complaining with a list of the things that are good about going back to school, and I'm hoping that in the process I will find my enthusiasm. So, in no particular order:

Things I Like About Going Back to School

School supplies

Seeing my friends and cohorts

Meeting new students (and learning how to pronounce their names!)

Settling in to a routine

Coming home every day and being greeted by my family

Cooler weather is coming

Apple harvest is coming (apples for eating, dried apples, apple pie, applesauce, picking apples with the kids, apple cake, baked apples... I love apples!)

All of the books and personal belongings I brought home for the summer return to my classroom (which means less clutter at home)

Leaving notes in Rachel and Connor's lunchboxes

I'll start getting paychecks again soon

Ok, I'm feeling a little bit better but I'm not quite thrilled about school yet. Hmmmm. How about those school supplies that I love?

sticky notes

whiteboard markers (fun colors)

sharpies

fun colors/shapes of paperclips

pretty pencils, freshly sharpened

the pen that feels just right when I hold it

notepads and notebooks

tape flags

rubber cement

binder clips

markers

crayons

colored pencils

erasers

divider tabs

labels for everything

pretty file folders

thumbtacks and pushpins in pretty colors/shapes

my pen that Rachel made me with the tissue paper flower on top and the handpainted flower pot that it rests in

Ok. That last one did it for me. I'm feeling less grumpy now...hmm, I just realized that I am actually smiling... and I think I'll go to bed so I can get a fresh start tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Spa retreats are good; Back to School... not so much

2008-08-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend with a few girlfriends and some new friends in Spokane/Coeur d’Alene to celebrate my friend Sammantha’s upcoming wedding. We left early Saturday morning, stopped in Spokane for a nice lunch, and then checked in to the day spa in Couer d’Alene. For four hours we enjoyed hair masks, facials, massages, manicures, and pedicures while sharing a pitcher of Shirley Temples and enjoying our afternoon of girly-ness together.

After the spa experience, we freshened up at the hotel and then headed off to dinner. We ate at The Melting Pot, which is a fondue restaurant. If you’ve never eaten at a fondue restaurant before, I highly recommend it. We started off with cheese fondue as an appetizer. We ordered three of the four-course meals and shared them so we could try more. For the appetizer course we chose Fiesta, Caribbean, and Spinach Artichoke (my favorite!). They were served with bread cubes, veggies, and chips for dipping. Next were the salads and my Caesar salad was yum, even though I couldn’t eat much of it. For the main course we selected the three broths we wanted to use (they also offer oil and batter for frying, but we passed on that one) and they brought out platters of marinated meat (filet mignon, shrimp, jerk steak, pork, chicken) and bowls of veggies and a variety of dipping sauces. We put the veggies in the bottom of the pots to cook, then skewered our selected meats and cooked them right at the table. For dessert we had three types of chocolate fondue (milk chocolate peanut butter, milk chocolate turtle, and yen-yang… dark chocolate and white chocolate). Dessert fondue was served with cheesecake, brownies, strawberries, bananas, rice crispy treats, and marshmallows coated in graham crackers and oreo crumbs. The four course meal took 3-1/2 hours, but it was very, very good.

Sunday morning we took the brunch cruise of Lake Coeur d’Alene, which was really nice. The lake is beautiful and the food was very good. It was really a relaxing way to finish up our excursion. It was a wonderful weekend and a great way to end the summer. I was a little sad that it was over, but also very happy to be back with my family!

I think I was a little too relaxed though, because I couldn’t bring myself to sit down at the computer and do any work yesterday. Other than unpacking and sewing a skirt for Rachel, I didn’t accomplish much of anything!

Today, unfortunately, I had to be at school for a meeting and I have a training session for a couple of hours tonight. Tomorrow I am back at school full time. I’m still not sure where the summer went! (Insert long sad sigh here.)

I keep telling myself that school is good and once we are back in our routine we’ll be fine, but there is part of me that is always so sad that my mornings of laying in bed and snuggling with hubby and kiddos is over. No more leisurely breakfasts, no more late night movies, no more craft projects on a whim, no more trips for ice cream. Now it’s time for lesson plans, and meetings, and homework, and packing lunches. Big sigh. Another big sigh. I do like school. Really, I do. Just not so much right now.

I can't think with my shoes on.

2008-08-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

I’ve been trying to sit down and update my blog all day, but I haven’t been able to get my thoughts together long enough. I’ve been skittering about trying to complete about 15 tasks at once and not finishing a single item on my to-do list. Finally, it occurred to me: I can’t think with my shoes on. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know, I just know that it’s been true for my entire adult life. So now I sit here, properly attired with bare feet, and it’s time to finish a few of the tasks on my list.

Things I need to accomplish tonight before bed: finish the laundry, pack my suitcase, write thank-you notes, answer e-mails, shoot off a facebook message to my brother in Africa, paint my toenails, and charge the camera battery.

Why the rush? Because in the morning I’m headed off for a glorious weekend with girlfriends to celebrate with our bride-to-be friend, Sammantha, compliments of her new inlaws. We are meeting at 8:00 a.m. about an hour from where I live. From there we will head to Spokane where we will stop for lunch, then on to Coeur D’Alene where we have an appointment at the day spa for an afternoon of pampering. We’ll have a nice dinner tomorrow night, and on Sunday we are taking in a cruise of the lake although at the moment I can’t remember if that is for breakfast or lunch. Either way, it’s going to be an amazing weekend. I wasn’t going to go, but my husband insisted that I needed a weekend of pampering with friends. I sure do love that man!!

Just before I sat down to write this Connor was telling me how much he is going to miss me while I’m gone. I told him not to worry because Dad always plans something fun while I’m out of town. His response: “Do you think he’ll take us on an African Safari? Or maybe we can go shopping for a monkey, and we’ll name him Fred.” Huh??! My boy surely does make us laugh, but I can’t figure out for the life of me where he comes up with this stuff. And speaking of surprises, Emma has been working hard to get in the last of her front teeth (one to go), when all of a sudden I found a molar in her mouth. Where did that come from??!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend full of love and happiness. I’m off to the spa….

Wow, What a Day!

2008-08-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, wow, wow. What a day.

We had the alarm set for 7:30, but Connor came trip-trapping in at 7:00 sharp and crept under the covers for an early morning snuggle. (I'm glad he hasn't outgrown that yet!) He whispered to me that he was so excited for today, and I expected him to talk about going to the fair and riding the carnival rides. Instead, he proceeded to tell me that he couldn't wait to take Emma to the Prettiest Baby Contest, because she is the prettiest baby ever.

Of course, every parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and sibling thinks their baby is the prettiest and they are right. Our county fair hosts the contest every year and after a lot of reluctance we finally decided to enter Emma this year. We almost didn't enter Emma for two reasons: 1) It seems to play a bit to vanity and 2) I didn't want anyone to be disappointed. These contests are, after all, a bit arbitrary. So, snuggled up with my Always and Forever boy in the early morning quiet, we had a talk about not getting our expectations up and how, just because we think she's pretty doesn't mean the judges will even see her. That we were just entering for fun.

So we showed up at the fairgrounds and checked in. I spent a little time talking with the owner of the local radio station, who was there to emcee the event. She said that they had never had over 130 babies before and this year there were 168 babies entered. That's a lot of babies, and a lot of families with high expectations. I sure would hate to be a judge. Some of the parents are a little bit intense (you know, like Bill Gates is a little bit rich). We decided that Todd would wrangle Emma and I would wait in the stands with the older kids and Gramma Patti.

The first thing Miss Emma did, no kidding, was to walk up to the queen of the fair court (a judge), tilt her head to the side, bat her eyelashes, and say "hi" with a sweet, somewhat coy, smile on her face. You've heard the saying "you had me at hello"? You could see the queen melt, and I think that was the moment she earned the queen's vote. I wasn't so sure about the other three judges, so I was a little surprised when Emma was called up as one of the fifteen finalists. Of course, while she was in front of the crowd she was smiling and waving and blowing kisses. The group of ladies I was sitting next to thought she was working the crowd, but she was actually just sending loves to her big brother and sister in the front row.

When the judges finally finished discussing their results (the contest ran for an hour!!! which is way too long to keep babies calm in my opinion; thank heavens for Cheerios), they started announcing the winners. When they had announced the three runners-up, I was pretty sure we were out of the running. But then they announced that the winner was... drum roll please (yeah, I know you know where this is going, but humor me)... Emma! Wow! Wow, wow, wow. I certainly didn't expect that! (By the way, the little girl to the left of Todd and Emma in the picture was gorgeous!)

Now here's the cool part. The top four winners receive prizes, and first prize is pretty cool. For starters, Emma won a musical toy and a ball popper and a big stuffed monkey with a baby monkey, and a small stuffed dog, and a bag of all natural baby bath products from a local boutique. Next, there were almost $300 (yes, I said $300) in gift certificates for photography sessions, sub sandwiches, eyeglasses, a local women's boutique, and a salon (prizes for mom rock!). Finally, there was this very cool airplane teeter-totter that is big enough for the big kids to play on, too. She also received a trophy, which is apparently pretty good for cutting teeth on (we got a new one in yesterday and the next is very, very close to breaking through). Did I say "Wow"?!

Afterward we looked at exhibits, meandered through the animal barns, and spent some quality time at the petting zoo. Unfortunately, my camera battery was dying so I only got a few pictures, and not terrific ones at that. I almost had a cute shot of Emma crouching down to be nose to nose with a lamb, but I ended up with an unexpected shot of some guy's nearly-gigantic hiney instead. (Shudder.... That shot was quickly deleted. Don't people know that crack kills!) By the time he moved out of my way the moment had passed.

The older kids rode the rides and Emma and I headed home for a nap, and when the rest of the fam came home we put together the teeter-totter. When Todd took the older kids back in the evening to ride more rides (gotta get our money's worth out of the all day ride pass!), Emma and I headed out to Granny's house for a visit. My Granny was so tickled about Emma winning the contest; I think that was the very best part of the entire day! Today was one of the days when I really appreciate living in a rural community. County fairs are a lot of fun (did I mention that I'm glad it's over?).

One more thought: with all of my medical expenses and unpaid medical leave for surgeries and the fact that we are a single-income family, money can get rather tight at times. I don't mind shopping for the kids, but I really hate spending money on things for me, including haircuts and back-to-school wardrobe updates. I've been avoiding getting myself ready for school because of the cost, and here I am with gift certificates for a salon and a women's boutique. Does God answer prayers (even unspoken ones), or what?! Did I say "Wow"?!

Today I Am Grateful For:

2008-08-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

my husband, even though he worries about me too much
my kids. Did I mention that they are amazing?
snuggles, especially from the aforementioned kids
trees, flowers, rivers, and mountains
being home and sleeping in my own bed
the friendly Blue Cross employee on the other end of the phone line
water aerobics and friends who keep it fun
teething tablets and Infant's Tylenol
new friends I've met through blogging
two more weeks of summer vacation
new school supplies. I know I'm a dork, but I love school supplies!
my mother-in-law
sun tea
watermelon
my roses, which are blooming again
all of the bills are paid for the month
our new fence that keeps the dogs in the yard where they belong
friends
my Granny
I just found out that my little brother is coming home from Liberia in a few weeks :-)
comfortable shoes
my children love books
"more" (Emma's favorite word, applied to everything from blueberries to tickles)
Always and Forever
so many other blessings

My grateful list definitely outweighs my worry list, which is always a sign that life is good. My body feels pretty rotten right now, but my spirit is content.

We now retun to our regularly scheduled lives...

2008-08-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

The view from our deck.

Our vacation home.

More view from our deck.

Yes, the deer is real.

And so are these.

Somebody had bedhead, but she still looks pretty cute to me!

A walk in the park by the lake.

Connor playing around with my girls, right before they talked him into letting them style his hair. You should have seen his mohawk!

Tired, tired baby (home at last!)

Vacation is nice, even a working vacation, but it always feels so good to be home. Especially when coming home means being greeted by a new blog design (I hope you love it as much as I do!) created by a wonderful and generous new friend I met through blogging. To make things even better, my dear young friend Rene' dropped by for a visit and introduced her boyfriend of 7 months (approval granted, Rene', and I feel honored that you asked for our opinion; we thought he was almost as wonderful as you).

I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight, with Emma tucked safely in her crib rather than in bed with me. I never realized what a restless (and acrobatic) sleeper she is until we were in a bed so tall it required step stools to climb in. I didn't sleep for 3 nights because I was afraid she would somersault over me and fall the very long way down to the hardwood floor below. It is so good to be home.

It has been an eventful week. We spent two days in Seattle where I consulted with two specialists at Virginia Mason Medical Center. The good news: after five surgeries and countless other medical procedures in the past two years, I am one test away from being considered a good candidate for a new medical procedure that may actually make me feel better and help my body function the way it is supposed to and I am tentatively scheduled for surgery the end of this month. The bad news: they don't expect my insurance company to approve the $23,000 surgery because it is considered investigational, and if we can't get it approved in the next three weeks then the only surgeon who can do this procedure will be on sabatical for three months. Not only that, but if they do approve it then the only day they can perform the surgery is during the first week of school, plus I will have to miss a wedding that I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since my appointments, so I'm now trying to not think about it so much. Sometimes letting go is hard!

We came home Wednesday night and Thursday afternoon we were on the road again, this time to take my high school leadership students on a retreat at Wallowa Lake. We rented an amazing house at the lake, with a beautiful view of the Eagle Cap mountains and the Wallowa River from our deck.

This year my officer team is comprised completely of females, which in some ways was very nice. The girls worked hard all weekend, and they were all really good about helping out with meals and clean-up as well as staying on task with our work sessions. I was really impressed with how great they were with my kiddos, and I think we just adopted 5 new daughters. Anyone who makes my kids feel special earns big points in my book!

The only downside to our vacation home is that is was definitely not designed for toddlers. I spent an awful lot of time chasing Emma up the stairs. I didn't mind so much when she went downstairs, as those stairs were carpeted and enclosed, but the open log stairs to the upper floor scared me to death. She also loved the back deck, which had stairs down to the river (a very fast moving river, I might add). And then there was that bed! I do have to say, though, that the house was absolutely beautiful both in construction and furnishings. Add in the beautiful scenery and plentiful wildlife (are they still called wildlife since the deer are tame enough to eat out of your hands?), plus the activities within walking distance (paddle boats, go karts, bumper boats, mini golf, fishing) and it was a pretty terrific vacation. Still, it's good to be home. And speaking of sleeping in my own bed... I think I'm going to head there now!